


trust me (believe it or not)

by hyungsobbing



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, M/M, OT9 - Freeform, gratuitous use of the word 'laugh' and 'smile', judo!au, some characters are aged up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-03-30 21:36:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13960524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyungsobbing/pseuds/hyungsobbing
Summary: sometimes, hyunjin wonders if it was worth it, chasing after this pipe dream of his.





	1. we'll return when we drift apart

**Author's Note:**

> some judo terms used--
> 
> hajime: used by a referee to start the match
> 
> ashi guruma: a type of throw, it's a leg sweep
> 
> harai goshi: a type of hip throw
> 
> uchikome: an excercise in judo where you enter a throw (usually, unless instructed otherwise, your main throw) repeatedly like just get into position and then exit position repeatedly many times
> 
> judogi/gi: the judo uniform
> 
> scoring system:
> 
> ippon: one point. once an opponent scores this, the match ends and the person who scores the first ippon wins
> 
> wazari: half point (2 wazaris=1 ippon (irl the rules just changed abit but for the sake of convenience this fic follows the old rules)
> 
> yuko: a very very small point, doesn't add up to anything
> 
> golden score/golden time: when both opponents are tied and the timing has ended (usually 3-4minutes) so both of them go into golden score where the first person to get a point (any point, no need to be ippon) wins. the match goes on until one person scores
> 
> shido: 1 penalty. you can get a shido for not attacking (too passive), going under opponent's arms, stepping out of indicated area (basically alot of things)
> 
> shiai: a match (can refer to a mock match also, during practice)
> 
> randori: free sparring practice

* * *

_Hyunjin, 2014_

The referee holds up a hand and shouts, but his words are drowned out by the yelling of the crowd. Automatically, he releases his grip on the opponent’s lapel and steps back. The opponent, whose perspiration is visibly dripping off his face, does the same. Both of them adjust their belts, brushing the sweat blurring their vision.

 

“ _Hajime!_ ” The referee yells, his voice clearer this time to the both of them. One of them raises their arms, hands coming up to a defensive position. He’s clearly wary of the other now, and the sharp throbbing in his sides wasn’t helping things either. The other wastes no time in charging towards the opponent, and it’s not even a millisecond before the opponent has a solid grip on him, and sweeps his feet out from under him—almost. But his feet don’t leave the floor, and his knee contorts in a weird angle that doesn’t really feel right. _“Ashi guruma!”_ Someone screams from the crowd, and the referee raises the whistle to his lips.

 

Then there’s a loud snapping sound that only the referee and the opponent can hear, and before the opponent can even finish the throw, he screams in pure agony. Surprised and mildly horrified, the opponent lets go of the lapel in shock. He falls to the floor without resistance, curling up on the floor and clutching his leg. The opponent and the referee and the floor are blurring into one big colorless mess, and his breaths come in short pants. The opponent is full-out panicking now, and the referee is calling the medic team over.

 

He can only feel the terrible pain somewhere in his leg, and he grips onto that part as if the pressure would relieve the agony. One of the medic accidentally nudges his leg, and a lacerating pain shoots up his leg. He screams, and it’s only a few more seconds until white covers his vision entirely and—

 

_Hyunjin, 2014_

 

Hyunjin was bored. Like, he was bored enough to strangle himself with the covers of the bed. The room was nice enough, with what teddy bears screaming GET WELL SOON in rainbow colours and capital letters and colourful flowers stinking up the room. There was a plain clock hanging on a nail in the wall, and it’s been an hour since he’d woken up. 

 

It didn’t really take a genius to realise he was in a hospital, and it took a few more seconds to realise why he was in the hospital. A snapping of muscles or bones, the excruciating pain dulling all other senses, the shrill whistle of the referee and the blessed unconsciousness. 

 

It did occur to him that he should probably be freaking out over the aching in his knee, wrapped up in layers of bandages. He wasn’t, though. He wondered if he’d still want to continue Judo after he was discharged. Not that it really mattered, anyway. Would he even be allowed to?

 

The door flings open, bouncing off against the wall. “Hyunjin!” His mom cries, running to the chair by his bed. His dad follows closely, face somewhat less emotional than his mom but nonetheless, worried. “How are you feeling, baby? Does it hurt? Should I ask the doctor for painkillers?” His mom fusses. Hyunjin sighs. He loves his mom, he really does, but he still has to play the part of rebellious, distant teenager. “I’m okay.”

 

“Are you sure? I could always ring the nurse up for more painkillers, there’s no need to ask the doctors…” She says, but thankfully his dad cuts in. “We’re both worried about you.”

 

“Yes! The referee and your opponent looked so worried when you collapsed, and we all were wondering what happened. You passed out quite fast, and we thought for a moment you’d gotten choked out. But it turns out it was a pretty severe anterior cruciate ligament tear, a grade 3 one, and you had to undergo a surgery to partially repair it…”

 

An ACL injury. Hyunjin had heard of those before, horror stories from his coach and seniors. It isn’t a rare case, with most of them getting a grade 1 or 2 tear, and they were able to return back to the sport after about 3 months of rest. But grade 3? He’d never heard of a grade 3 ACL tear before.

 

“…And the doctors say you’ll need physiotherapy, for at least 10 months. And no physical activity for at least one year.”

 

It takes roughly a minute for this to sink in. One year? He knows that without a few months of Judo, many great athletes often lose their skill and muscle mass. It’s almost impossible to get back into the sport again. A whole year?

 

His parents take his silence as a good thing. “You’ll be able to return back to Judo after a year! That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?” His mom pats his shoulder like he’s an injured dog, needing coaxing.

 

“I’m sorry.” Hyunjin whispers. “What was that?” His dad asks gently.

 

“I’m sorry.” He says slightly louder. “For what, sweetie? You haven’t done anything wrong.” Hyunjin shakes his head silently and shifts restlessly on the bed. He can’t find a comfortable spot, so with some difficulty and manoeuvring of his injured knee, he flips over to his other side.

 

“How are you feeling?” His mom prods gently. He shrugs, lifting his shoulders lifelessly. “Please excuse me for a moment.” He says into his pillow, voice muffled. “Sorry? I didn’t quite catch that.” Even while he’s not looking at them, he can see his parents exchanging worried looks.

 

“Please leave me alone,” He whispers, unable to say it louder. Thankfully, his parents get it, and they click the door shut behind them, worried whispers floating out of the door. Hyunjin turns his face back into the pillow, fingers grasping loosely to the blankets. He’s supposed to be feeling an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness or sadness or distress or anything, but he can’t really bring himself feel anything right now.

 

In that moment, his entire Judo career replays. Starting at 9, his first grading to yellow belt at 10, and then finally being able to upgrade to higher belts when he turned 13 and then finally getting his brown belt at 16—just earlier this year. He’s never been able to decide which part of Judo he’d liked the most—was it training with Jisung? Maybe it was from being so serious at one moment and the next moment both of them lying on the floor, exhausted and breathing hard, but happy. Or maybe it was when he was standing on the highest step of a podium, and the camera flashes blinding him, but unable to wipe the proud smile off his face.

 

Not that it mattered anymore.

 

_Hyunjin, 2015_

 

“Good job! Just one more step and you’re done.” The smiley nurse says encouragingly, not complaining despite the death grip Hyunjin has on her wrist. His parents watch from the side, similar frowns etched on their faces. Minho and Jeongin stand beside them, the latter grasping on to his older brother’s hand.

 

Hyunjin represses a pained groan, and with a tremendous effort, he places his foot down. Minho starts clapping, and Hyunjin can’t be bothered to look at him. He collapses on the wheelchair the nurse pushes to him, and his head flops backward onto the headrest. “Great job, Hyunjin!” Minho says, and Hyunjin’s parents nod. Jeongin smiles shyly at him.

 

“I feel like I just scaled a mountain,” Hyunjin says, although the pain was mostly gone. The nurse laughs at him, and pats his head fondly (like he’s a kid). She pushes the wheelchair towards his parents (and unofficial family), and his dad takes over the handles. “Thank you, Ms Jeon.” His mother says gratefully.

 

Ms Jeon laughs again. “It’s just the first session. Thank me when he’s fully recovered, yes?”

 

“Of course we will!” Jeongin pipes up from beside Hyunjin. The nurse shoots another motherly smile at him and walks off, swinging the clipboard. “How was it, Hyunjin?” Minho asks. “I already have a mother, and she’s right there.” Hyunjin quips, but answers anyway. “It was nothing. There was no pain at all.” He fakes, wiggling his eyebrows at Jeongin who giggles.

 

“Sure, big guy. So, you don’t mind coming back for another year?” His father says, pushing open the door. He’s screaming internally, but isn’t willing to receive another round of coddling, so he only nods.

 

Minho pushes him out into the carpark, and he’s hit by a freezing draft of winter wind. “If you can stand physiotherapy, you can stand a minute without a jacket.” Minho says heartlessly as he pushes him across the carpark. “You can’t do this to me, I’m injured!” Hyunjin pouts.

 

_Hyunjin, 2016_

He’s lying on his bed, leg propped up on the wooden bedframe. Jisung is next to him, head pillowed on Hyunjin’s stomach. Both of them are using their phones when Hyunjin’s phone starts vibrating and he drops it onto his face. “What a noob,” Jisung mutters, and picks it up. “Why is Coach calling you?”

 

Hyunjin sits up, making Jisung fall to the floor with a thud. “Dude!” He cries accusingly from the floor, but Hyunjin ignores him and slowly presses the accept button. “Hello?” He says.

 

“Hyunjin! It’s Chan here.” Chan’s voice, medium-pitched and a bit hoarse floats through the speaker. “Yeah, I realised.”

 

“I see your injury didn’t affect your sarcasm. So, I’ll take it you’re coming back as soon as you recover?” He winces. Jisung finally stops complaining and sits up with barely concealed interest. Hyunjin’s been avoiding this topic with his parents or anyone else whenever it came up in conversation, skilfully dodging talking about it. But what can he say now that his damn coach is on the line?

 

“Okay well, you see right, I’m currently occupied and I can’t talk right now, sorry…” Hyunjin is about to press the end call button when Jisung (that traitor) yells, “He’s lazing on his bed!”

 

Chan, bless his soul, doesn’t take offence and continues, “I’m not forcing you into it or anything. I just called to check up on you.”

 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, coach. I’m fine.” He rolls his eyes at Jisung as if saying _adults, right?_ Jisung shrugs, as if saying _what can you do about it._

 

“Really, Hyunjin. How are you doing?”

 

“I’m really fine. But I don’t think I’ll be going back to Judo for some time, you know? Traumatic experience and all. Also—I’m migrating. Remember?” Hyunjin says it lightly, but he’s spent countless nights staring up at the belts dangling from the hooks on his bedroom wall. Should he go back or not? His alarmingly decreasing muscle mass say YES but his brain and heart and entire being is screaming NO. He doesn’t want to relieve that feeling of helplessness and desperation ever again, and he doesn’t think he can ever see, much less execute another throw without feeling the phantom ache in his knee.      

 

“That’s alright, Hyunjin. Just know that me and your friend Jisung and everyone that loves you—will still be here for you, alright kid?” Chan says in that overly fatherly tone of his. “Okay, dad.” Hyunjin teases and hangs up. Over the years, Chan had become more of a friend and a brother (he’s barely 15 years older than Hyunjin, too young to be a father) to him than a distant and intimidating coach figure he once thought he was.

           

“I don’t love you, though.” Jisung grumbles, still sitting on the floor. “Not after you shoved me off the bed.” He adds. “It’s whatever. I never loved you anyway.” Hyunjin snorts, and Jisung jumps up to tackle him back down on the bed and has him in a hold under 5 seconds.

 

“Wow, you’re getting fatter by the minute.” It’s a passing remark, but it stings. He is getting fatter, and will continue because _Judo isn’t part of his life anymore._ But then, it’s not really about getting fatter. During Judo, he felt like he had a purpose and a goal in life. Now? He’s a semi-cripple, unable to walk without someone or something helping him. Hyunjin shakes off the weird feeling and laughs, shoving Jisung off him. “Same to you.” He says before lying down on Jisung, laughing.

 

“Wait. Dude, are you really moving?” Jisung suddenly says, still stuck under Hyunjin. Hyunjin rolls his eyes. They’ve been over this at least a thousand times, but it seems like Jisung just wasn’t able to accept it. “Yes. You were even there when my parents broke the news to him.” Hyunjin replies.

 

“I know! But it’s just that—won’t you be leaving everything behind? And it’s not just like moving to another street down the road. It’s a whole new country! Japan? You’ve never even been there before.” Jisung wails. “Kind of, I guess. But Judo was ninety percent of my life, and I don’t have it anymore. There’s nothing else to leave behind, so trust me when I say I won’t regret it.” Hyunjin says.

 

“How about me, then?” Jisung pouts. “You’re one percent, and the other nine percent is the fried chicken.” Hyunjin jokes.

 

“You brat!” Jisung says, enraged. “I won’t miss you for sure.” Hyunjin says before quickly retreating out of the room, his best friend’s screams chasing him down the hallway.

 

_Seungmin, 2016_

“Just remember to keep attacking, alright? If you see an opening for a throw or even a counter, just go for it. Don’t hesitate. And if he has you pinned down on the floor don’t get on your back.” Changbin says gruffly, patting his shoulders. He’s trying to appear relaxed for Seungmin’s sake, but Seungmin can see he’s quite nervous himself. “Yeah, got it. It’s not as if I’ve spent the past 7 years of my life doing Judo.” He smiles.

 

“Brat,” He mutters. “But don’t injure anyone again, okay?” Felix says cheekily from beside Changbin. He’s behind their coach, having just won his opponent in less than half a minute. Seungmin frowns, saying, “Stop trying to guilt trip me into buying you food after the competition. It wasn’t even you who I injured!”

 

“Felix, don’t say it like that. It wasn’t Seungmin’s fault.” Changbin mutters to Felix, who realises his slip-up late and covers his mouth. It’s been over a year, and everyone around him still thinks that he’s hung up over that one competition, and they tiptoe around that accident. Truth be told, he still thinks about it sometimes—if he would’ve been able to avoid injuring the opponent if he had just executed the throw cleaner. Sometimes, he wonders how the guy is doing but then he reminds himself _he’s just another opponent_ and _how bad could it have been?_ It’s not as if he can do anything about it besides laughing it off.

 

Felix opens his mouth, about to make another stupid remark but the referee is signalling him and his opponent to come onto the mats. He casts another quick glance at Changbin and Felix, and the latter does a fist pump at him, whooping loudly. Rolling his eyes, he bows quickly once, twice, then thrice at the opponent when both of them are standing facing each other.

 

He barely has time to be nervous. The panel signal the okay, and the referee blows the whistle and the timer begins. He pulls his belt tight and charges forward.

 

_Hyunjin, 2016_

Hyunjin sighs at looks out of the glass panels. Jisung sits next to him, bouncing in the hard plastic chair. “You’re literally only here for a week, and you chose to spend a day at a damn Judo competition? You don’t even do Judo!” Hyunjin complains.

 

“Maybe I have a secret interest in it.” Jisung says. “Maybe I’m going to compete today.”

 

“Don’t be dumb.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes and looks back at the match. The previous one had just ended—the blonde-haired dude ended the opponent in like, thirty seconds. _Now that would be a worthy opponent,_ he thinks, then quickly shakes his head to clear that thought. He didn’t even do Judo anymore.

 

The new kid—a black-haired one steps onto the mats, and the blonde kid from the previous match whoops from the sidelines. The black haired dude turns around to look at him then quickly turns back around again, and the match begins. Hyunjin doesn’t really care for it anymore, and he isn’t really actively watching the match—until when the black-haired dude executes an effortless _ashi guruma,_ and the opponent lands with a solid thud on his back. “ _Ippon!”_ The referee yells, and the crowd starts cheering.

 

Strange, Hyunjin thinks. There were a number of people using that throw as one of the main throws, but the technique felt oddly familiar. The reap of the leg and the speed of the throw—why did it seem so familiar to him? “Hey, Jisung,” He nudges the boy next to him, “Does that black-haired dude, the one that just won, seem familiar to you?”

 

“Oh, so you do remember him! He’s the one from a year ago.” Jisung says casually. “Sorry, what?” Hyunjin says. “Don’t you remember? He’s the one that injured your dumb ass.” Jisung nods towards the guy walking off the mats.

 

 _So that’s why._ Hyunjin is stunned into silence for a moment, but then it’s quickly replaced by a short flare of anger at the guy for ending his Judo career so ruthlessly and quickly. Didn’t he feel any remorse?

 

But then, as Jisung looks at him worriedly (Hyunjin was probably turning alarmingly red), he realises it’d been his own choice to not continue Judo after he recovered.

 

 _Besides, it’s not as if it’s his fault that I didn’t fall properly,_ he rationalises. He realises how mature he sounds, and laughs out loud. Two years ago, he’d have been so blinded with vindictive rage he’s sure his past self would’ve jumped right out of the stands to pummel the guy down. But two whole years lying around in bed had given him too much time to think.

 

“Are you even alive anymore? Dude!” Jisung, tired of snapping his fingers in front of his face, jabs Hyunjin in the stomach and he bends over in pain, clutching his stomach. “Sorry, but not really. Don’t you want to see who got first?” Jisung nudges the exact same spot he’d jabbed Hyunjin in, and Hyunjin can only glower at his best friend.

 

“Is it the black-haired dude? The one with ugly bangs?” Hyunjin says, and looks up. It is, and the guy is smiling, his eyes curving upwards, and it lights up his whole face. Hyunjin resists the urge to cover his eyes even from fifty metres away. “Not bad-looking, right?” Jisung nudges.

 

“Eh, he’s okay. Besides, I’m better.” Hyunjin says, but his eyes are fixed on the guy. The reporters are talking to him now, and he smiles shyly at their cameras, and Hyunjin smiles back subconsciously.

 

 

 

The next day, the papers come out with the guy on the headlines. **_KIM SEUNGMIN CLINCHES FIRST PLACE AT JAPAN OPEN NATIONALS!_** Followed by multiple pictures of him on the mats, on the podium and smiling at the cameras. Hyunjin has never been one for reading, but the grainy photos somehow had managed to capture him smiling perfectly, and he continues reading.

 

_Kim Seungmin, youngest internationally renowned Judoka at just seventeen years of age, gets a gold medal in Japan. He’s a household name in Judo, and is known as the best youth Judoka._

Hyunjin stops reading for a moment, stunned. Best youth Judoka? He remembers, vaguely that an article in the newspapers had published his picture three years ago, after winning gold in a youth competition in Paris. They’d dubbed him “Korea’s uprising star”, but not _best youth Judoka._

 

He’s thought about Judo countless times, but he hadn’t factored in other aspiring Judokas, neither had he thought about his ruthlessly competitive spirit. Even while back in the sport, he’d never been willing to lose a fight, even if it was something as small as _randori._ What made him think he’d be able to stand others taking his spot as the top?

 

He doesn’t really know if it’s the jealousy speaking or the logic, but he throws the newspaper down, and picks up his phone. He scrolls down until he sees the contact he’s always hovered over for the past year, and for the first time in two years, clicks call without hesitation.

 

_Seungmin, 2016_

“Good job.” Changbin rarely gives out praises, so whenever one comes Seungmin’s way, who’s he to reject it? “One of the cleanest throws I’ve ever seen you do. Went in for the kill immediately and it worked really well.” Seungmin grins and tries to hug his coach, but Changbin nudges him away, saying, “You did well, but I have limits.”

 

Felix, eavesdropping indiscreetly, budges in. “You didn’t compliment me like that when I won!” He whines, and Changbin rolls his eyes, and the edges of his mouth quirk upwards. “I did. Isn’t your prize presentation next?” To others, their coach would seem distant and relatively emotionless, but both of his students can see that he’s clearly happy.

 

At that moment, an announcement goes up for _second place Lee Felix from Korea to report to the judge’s tent for prize presentation_ , and Felix almost swears and runs off. Seungmin and Changbin watch him go, and Seungmin wiggles his eyebrows at Changbin. Their coach frowns, and immediately becomes defensive. “What?” He snaps at Seungmin.

 

“Just saying, you’re just five years older me, and you’re barely three years older than Felix. It could happen, believe it or not.” Seungmin says, still smiling angelically. “Don’t talk bullshit.” Changbin punches Seungmin on the shoulder, seeming way younger than he actually is. “I’m just saying,” Seungmin says.

 

Changbin crosses his arms over his chest, and instead of finding his coach intimidating, Seungmin finds it almost adorable that the twenty-two year old is reduced to confusion over a nineteen year old. “Don’t you have better things to do?” He says, and walks off (probably to find Felix).

 

“No, not really!” He calls after Changbin, who doesn’t even turn around to look at him. He laughs, and feels the medal hanging around his chest shift around. Catching a glimpse of the shiny gold medal, he can’t help but feel proud, even if it’s just for a moment.

 

_Hyunjin, 2016_

Hyunjin hangs around at the entrance, bag slung over his shoulder and barefooted. He can see Chan coaching the children’s class, and he laughs as one of them falls to the floor, looking adorably confused. Chan walks over to him and says something, and the boy’s training partner pulls him up. Hyunjin remembers he used to force Chan to let him help coach the kids—they were kind of cute.

           

He takes one more hesitant step in, and a kid notices him. “Hyunjin hyung!” The kid screams, but he’s unable to move from his position on the ground because he had another kid down in a hold. The other kids look up immediately and similar smiles break out on their faces at the sight of ‘their favourite hyung’, as Hyunjin claims. He smiles back at them and waves, happy with the knowledge that they hadn’t forgotten him.

           

Chan finally looks up and sees him. He tells the kids to stop making such a ruckus, yes that’s Hyunjin hyung, yes he’s okay, yes he’s finally coming back to Judo, no you can’t bully him now that he just recovered. Hyunjin laughs, and walks over, initial nervousness disappearing as the kids clamour to hug him and talk to him and one of his favourite kids kiss him on his cheek, her face turning red. “You’re so cute, Seulgi,” He coos, picking her up and setting her on his shoulder. She screams in joy and Hyunjin can feel her sweaty hands wrapping around his neck, but he doesn’t mind.

 

“Pick me up too!” A few of them chorus, and Hyunjin gladly complies, setting Seulgi down and carrying another kid up, this one a shorter boy called Jinhwan. He spins Jinhwan around, and the kid pouts when Hyunjin puts him back down, still clinging on to his arms.

 

“Alright! Guys, we have ten minutes left to the end of training. Finish up and start cooldown. Jeongin, you lead cooldown.” Chan instructs, and Hyunjin catches Jeongin’s eyes. Hyunjin flashes a smile at his favourite, and Jeongin perks up when he realises he’s been noticed, and waves enthusiastically back, smiling widely.

 

Hyunjin had been worried that the twelve-year-old wouldn’t respect him or care about him anymore, and he’s beyond relieved to realise that would never happen. Jeongin and him had grew close through Jeongin’s older brother, Minho. The first time Hyunjin had went over to Minho’s house for a project, he’d grown attached to the little boy trailing his hyung around. Hyunjin knew Jeongin hero-worshipped him a little, and didn’t mind. In fact, he was flattered to be someone’s role model.

 

He walks over to Jeongin and ignores Chan calling him in favour of hugging the younger. Surprised, Jeongin hugs back tentatively but when Hyunjin hooks his chin over his shoulder, Jeongin relaxes. “I’m so glad to see you, hyung.” Jeongin says shyly into Hyunjin’s shirt. The hard material of the judogi digs into Hyunjin’s face, but he’s too happy to care. “Me too.” Hyunjin replies, patting Jeongin fondly on the head as they part.

 

“Stop disturbing them!” Chan yells, and he rolls his eyes before walking up to his coach. “Let’s talk, Hyunjin-ah,” Chan says, and he climbs up the stairs into the stand. Hyunjin follows after him, pulling his bag. He settles down in the second row, and Hyunjin follows suit.

 

“I’m not going to waste time with the pleasantries, because we’re already past that stage. Hyunjin-ah, why do you want to do this?” Chan’s words are probing, curious, but there’s no malice in his tone. Hyunjin guesses it’s because he’s worried.

 

He shrugs. “I felt like it.” He wasn’t about to tell his coach that he’d been envious of the spotlight some hotshot was receiving. He didn’t want the coach to think Hyunjin hadn’t changed at all in the past two years.

 

“You flew all the way back from Japan to Korea for this. There must be a reason why.” Chan says, frowning a little.

           

“Can I not miss Judo? And you and Jeongin.” Hyunjin tries to flatter the coach in hopes of evading his question, but it doesn’t work. “Did I ever tell you why I became a coach?” Hyunjin shakes his head. He’d been curious, but he didn’t want to make Chan uncomfortable.

           

“I did something really bad in the 2005 ASEAN games. I was losing. There was half a minute left, and the opponent was in the lead. So, I did something terrible, and from what I heard, the opponent’s knee was messed up pretty badly.” Chan says, eyes regretful. “Did you win?” Hyunjin was aware he shouldn’t be asking, but he can’t help himself as the words spill out.

 

“Yes. Yes, I won, but there never has been a moment when I don’t regret it. There isn’t any excuse or reason justifiable for what I did, and because I was selfish and greedy, I ruined another person’s life,” Chan continues, “So I left. Everyone was congratulating me on doing well, on winning, but they didn’t know what I’d done. They thought the opponent had injured himself, and I couldn’t stand that knowledge. I left for about five years, but then I realised I was living a life without purpose or any direction.”

 

“So you became a coach?” Hyunjin asks. “Yeah. By some stroke of luck, they accepted me back into Judo, and I’ve never looked back once. But listen, Hyunjin-ah. I regret that entire incident. If I were ever given the chance to lose but let the opponent walk away uninjured, I would’ve done it without hesitation.” Chan looks straight into Hyunjin’s eyes, and says, “You don’t have to tell me why you’re coming back. I know you’re good at Judo, I know you love the sport, but there’s always things that are more important than it.”

 

“Like what?” Hyunjin asks, confused. Chan doesn’t reply to the question, only slinging an arm around his shoulders and saying, “I’m just glad you’re back.”


	2. even if i fall (there will be no scar)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin thinks, maybe fate really does have an odd way of reuniting people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nagekomi: throwing practice
> 
> uke: the person receiving the judo (like the person being thrown etc)
> 
> tori: the person doing the judo (like the person who's throwing etc)
> 
> chapter title from runner's high (*´∇｀)ﾉ

_Hyunjin, 2017_

 

When Chan breaks the news of sending one representative from their team to the Olympics, Hyunjin is determined. Chan tells their team that there are many qualifying rounds to get through to actually play at the event, but he doesn’t let that deter him. It was his redeeming chance.

 

So, naturally, when Chan announces who he’d picked to go, Hyunjin feels his heart shatter. “Park Jinyoung! I hope you make Korea proud.” Their entire team cheers, and Jinyoung looks immeasurably happy. He isn’t bitter at Jinyoung—no, the older boy had trained for way longer than Hyunjin and he even looked up to him; but he can’t help but feel like the chance had been stolen from him. But Chan was nothing but a fair person. Did he really expect their coach to pick him, of all people, when he’d only started training again a year ago?

 

By the end of training, he’s almost convinced himself that he’d be okay with it, that the Olympics wasn’t so grand as people made it out to be and there’d be other chances. But when he sees Jinyoung leaving with his friends, laughing and talking loudly, he realises he wasn’t. Scowling, he pushes open the back door and is about to go home and sulk by binging on chips and crying, when Chan calls him back.

 

“I hope you’re not upset,” Chan says, peering at Hyunjin. He doesn’t respond, choosing to look down, because he knows if he tries to talk, his voice would give away his emotions away. “I know you’re not happy, which is why I called you back to talk to you.” Hyunjin still doesn’t respond, swinging his bag from one hand to the other.

 

“You realise that you have two passports?” Chan starts, and Hyunjin finally looks up, confused as to where the conversation was heading. “Yeah, Japanese and Korean.” He confirms. “And to enter the Olympics as a representative of that nation, you don’t have to be a native. You just have to hold that country’s passport.” Chan tells him.

 

Hyunjin is starting to realise where the coach is heading, but doesn’t speak in case it’s not what he thinks it is and his hopes would be dashed. “You can’t play for Korea since they’re only allowing me to send one representative from this team, but you can play for Japan. I can sign you up with one of my connections over there. Admittedly, it’d be way harder, but you’d have a shot.”

 

Hyunjin had stopped listening after ‘you can play for Japan’, and he starts to smile, realising what his coach is offering him. A chance at redemption and what he’d joined back Judo for. “Do you want to do this, Hyunjin-ah? I realise it’s quite a big decision, so you can just tell me by—”

 

“Yes, I’ll do it.” Hyunjin says firmly, cutting Chan off by hugging his coach tightly, the gratefulness too much to contain. “Thank you so much, hyung.” He whispers. Chan laughs. “Don’t thank me, Hyunjin-ah. Thank yourself for not giving up.”

 

_Seungmin, 2017_

Felix raises his shot glass again, giggling. Seungmin follows suit, and they clank glasses before downing the entire shot down in a gulp. Changbin sits next to Felix, silent and very much sober. He’d refused to get drunk on cheap roadsight soju, saying that ‘he had more class than that’. “Loosen up, Changbinnie!” Felix pours himself another glass and raises it to his lips shakily, his elbow knocking over the small pot of kimchi.

 

Sighing, Changbin bends over to pick up the fallen pot and sets it upright on the table. “If I did, who’d drag your drunken asses home? Your parents trust me as your coach not to get you dumb shits into accidents.” Felix pauses, the soju dripping from his chin, the proceeds the fill his cup with _more_ soju. “Don’t know, don’t care.” He shrugs, then slams the cup down, throwing his arms around Changbin who only sighs again, wiping the soju off Felix’s chin.

 

Him and Felix had gone out to celebrate. Changbin had gone with them unwillingly, being dragged by a very persistent Felix and grumbling all the way until Seungmin had told him they’d treat him. At that, he shut up. Seungmin was maybe as drunk as Felix or maybe more, but it was then that he realised how grateful he was to his coach. “Changbin!” He cries, pushing his chair back to join Felix and Changbin on the other side of the table and attaching himself to Changbin. “You’re the best coach!” He says into their coach’s shoulder.

 

“I’m your only coach.” He deadpans, but shifts his shoulder so that Seungmin was more comfortable. “Yeah, but you’re the best. You picked me and Felix out of so many others!” Felix nods in agreement, and Changbin says, “You make me sound biased. I picked both of you for the Olympics because you’re the best, not because I’m biased.”

 

“So you don’t like us? That’s okay, I don’t like you either. You suck.” Seungmin pouts and whacks Changbin in the shoulder before moving back to his seat. Changbin sighs for what seemed like the hundredth time. “You don’t like me, Changbinnie?” Felix looks up at Changbin, head in his lap. Seungmin, still in a drunk haze, giggles at them but doesn’t say anything.

 

“I didn’t say that.” Changbin hauls Felix up, and with his other arm, pulls Seungmin out of his seat, stumbling to the counter with two very drunk boys. The cups on the table wobble but don’t tip over as Seungmin bangs against the corner of the table. “Woah, so strong!” Felix pokes Changbin’s biceps, laughing to himself again. “No, he’s not. I don’t like Changbin.” Seungmin reaches over to hit Felix in the head, and Changbin almost drops his wallet.

 

“Designated driver?” The person at the counter says sympathetically to Changbin, and he nods, counting out the notes. “Sadly.” He says, and the person the counter reaches out to take the money, and Seungmin sees her fingers brush his coach’s. Changbin startles slightly, but other than that, doesn’t react. As Changbin turns to leave, pulling both boys along, the cashier calls him, and slips the receipt into his hand, with numbers scribbled on the back. “You’re cute, call me,” She says, smiling. Seungmin notes that the girl has dimples.  Changbin slips the receipt into his pocket blankly, nodding goodbye at him.

 

Seungmin glances at Felix, and starts laughing. Although he’s drunk beyond words, Felix still manages to muster up a very confused and angry glare at Changbin’s pocket. He tries to reach out towards Changbin’s pocket, and trips over his own feet, but he rips the receipt from Changbin’s pocket, crushing it in his hand. “Felix,” Changbin says exasperatedly. “I’m cuter than her.” Felix refuses to let go of the receipt. Seungmin, by now, is near hysterics, and when Changbin lets go of his arm, he stumbles but doesn’t trip.

 

“Give it back, Felix-ah.” Changbin says. “Why? Do you want to call her?” Felix grumbles.

 

“No, but I don’t want you accidentally eating the receipt or something, knowing how drunk you are right now.” Changbin tries to pull the receipt from his hands, but Felix has the mentality a nine-year-old and slips the crushed-up receipt under the waistband of his pants. Sticking out his tongue, he says to Changbin, “You can’t get it back now.”

 

Changbin sighs _again_ , and gives up, although Seungmin can see a light blush forming on his cheeks. “Walk faster, I have to bring you home.” He mutters, Seungmin continues laughing to himself the entire way home.

 

_Hyunjin, 2018_

           

His parents hug him as they send him off at the airport, his mom sniffling. “We’re so proud of you, Hyunjin.” His dad says, and Hyunjin couldn’t be happier to have such supportive parents. He didn’t know what to expect when he broke the news that he’d be representing Japan for London Olympics 2018, but he definitely wasn’t expecting such overwhelming support and love.

 

He’d be going to London about two months before the actual competitions started, to get used to the competition area and the place itself, and his parents and maybe Minho-hyung and Jeongin and Jisung would join him a few days before the competitions. When he found out Park Jinyoung would be going with him and Chan, he realised he’d be training partners with Jinyoung, and didn’t know whether to be terrified or happy that he’d be training with one of his Judo role models.

 

Chan had laughed at him worrying about Jinyoung thinking that Hyunjin wouldn’t be up to par with the older, and reassured him that there was no way that would happen. Still, Hyunjin was still kind of star-struck by the older.

 

His parents hug him one last time and let him go into the departure hall, tearfully waving at him. “Be safe, Hyunjin!” His mom calls, and he waves at them one last time.

 

When he boards the plane, he’s shocked at the amount of money the organisers put in into making the athletes feel welcome. It was first-class, and he quickly realised that the seats could be declined into beds, and the television was touch-screen and the free-flow food was free. He spent the majority of the first half of the flight playing with the seats, until Chan stopped him and scolded him for being so twitchy. After that, he inserted his headphones and starting playing the games on the console.

 

As a result, when he lands in London, he’s tired and sleepy and horrified when they inform him he’d be training for the rest of the day.

 

_Seungmin, 2018_

 

Seungmin had given up on trying to stop Felix when the boy asked for his third can of Monster drink. Changbin was in the aisle next to them, beanie pulled low over his head and sleeping, peacefully unaware to his surroundings. Seungmin wishes he could sleep as well, but everytime he closes his eyes, Felix poked his side and asked him to play multiplayer Pac-Man with him on the console.

 

On his fourth can, Felix was practically vibrating in his seat, hands twitching at his side and talking non-stop. Seungmin sighs and pulls the divider down between them, ignoring Felix’s whines to play with him.

 

When they land in London, Felix had finally fallen asleep, crashing after the sixth can of Monster energy drink, and Changbin was forced to piggyback the boy out of the plane. Therefore, when Changbin tells them they’d be training until night, Seungmin remains unaffected, but Felix raises his head from Changbin’s shoulder for a moment only to groan, before going back to sleep.

 

_Hyunjin, 2018_

Jinyoung tells Hyunjin, for the hundredth time that week, that he must be absolutely crazy because no sane human being would like doing five hundred _uchikome_ exercises per training. Hyunjin just laughs at Jinyoung’s misery and they continue their training. He knew it wasn’t very normal to like the repetitiveness of the exercise, but he liked the constant movements because he knew what he was going to do next, and everything was boring and constant in _uchikome_.

 

As the days passed, Hyunjin realised he was right in being star-struck with Jinyoung. The senior possessed this kind of gracefulness that Hyunjin had never seen before in Judo, executing throws almost as if he was dancing in a ballroom. He was in awe everytime he watched Jinyoung play, or even while playing with him. Whereas Hyunjin, on the other hand, was jerkier, his moves more unpredictable and maybe a bit too violent. Chan had told him to slow down, calm down, to not be so choppy, but Hyunjin was used to his playing style and it worked out well for him anyway.

 

One day, after about two weeks of non-stop training (not that Hyunjin minded), the London coach gathered all of them and told them they would be doing _shiai_ with everyone, and it would be random. Hyunjin, suffice to say, was excited. This was his kind of thing, to stare down the opponent before trashing him under half a minute.

 

What he forgot to take into account was that everyone around him were professional Judo players and decades more experienced, and the realisation dawned on him as he lay on the floor, panting for breath, figurative birds flying around his head and very much at a loss as the opponent stood over him.

 

_Seungmin, 2018_

Felix and him stand to one side, laughing at whichever poor soul managed to get slammed to the floor and then held down until their faces turned red. What neither of them expected was for a coach to call out “Kim Seungmin against Hwang Hyunjin!” and Changbin shoving him forward to the centre of the mats.

 

Totally unprepared, he faces the opponent, who’s nose is bleeding slightly but doesn’t really seem to care. The opponent— _Hwang Hyunjin, his brain tells him_ —stares back at him. Seungmin’s hit with an overwhelming sense of déjà vu, and he’s still struggling to recall when he’d seen this boy before when the referee signals for them to start. Seungmin shakes all other thoughts off, and brings his hands up to his chest, eyes scanning the boy up and down. _Right hand in front of left, he’s right-handed. Right hand positioned lower than left, he’s about to do a hip-throw or a sweep._

Hyunjin charges towards him, and grips Seungmin’s lapel tight. He tries to break his grip, but Hyunjin doesn’t let go. Gripping his sleeve in a pistol grip, Seungmin waits for Hyunjin to make the first move. To his absolute surprise, Hyunjin doesn’t go in for a hip throw. Hooking an arm around his neck, the taller boy does a _harai goshi_. Caught by surprise, Seungmin is thrown to the floor but quickly rolls onto his front, grabbing Hyunjin’s leg and yanking him down.

 

Hyunjin goes down with a loud thud, and Seungmin rolls on top of Hyunjin and pins him down. The other boy’s eyes go wide in surprise, and struggles. Seungmin keeps his grip on Hyunjin’s arm and waist tight, and the boy eventually stops struggling. The other judokas count down from twenty, and Seungmin relaxes a bit when they hit _eighteen_.

 

That’s when Hyunjin suddenly twists, grabbing one of his legs, and the hold is broken. Hyunjin flips Seungmin around, and now it’s Seungmin being pinned on the floor. He tries to push himself up and onto his stomach, but Hyunjin’s hold is way too tight. Wriggling, he manages to squirm slightly out of Hyunjin’s hold on his arm, but the other boy quickly realises what he’s trying to do and readjusts himself.

 

Seungmin realises approximately three seconds too late what Hyunjin is trying to do—has done. The other boy has him in a very very tight chokehold, and Seungmin is no stranger to what happens after you get put in a chokehold. He tries to struggle out of the hold, but Hyunjin just tightens his arms, and Seungmin just—

 

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--41 days_

 

He supposes he really should have saw that coming, he thinks, as Felix stares dreamily at Changbin who’s pacing at the foot of his bed, opening his mouth every now and then but not saying anything. Hyunjin watches all three of them from a distance away, legs crossed and propped up on another chair.

 

Finally, someone breaks the silence. “Changbin, chokeholds are normal. It’s happened to all of us at least five times before. Don’t worry.” Felix says, but that doesn’t help the older man at all. Rather, he seems to increase his pacing and says, “But it’s so close to the competitions!” Changbin scowls at Hyunjin, who pretends not to notice.

 

Seungmin lifts up his head and bangs it back down against the pillow, but the pillow is cotton and doesn’t really have his desired effect. “There are approximately five more weeks to the competition.” He says. “Still,” Changbin hedges, and Felix rolls his eyes and finally pulls Changbin down beside him.

 

“I didn’t know you cared!” Seungmin teases him, hoping to snap their coach out of it. It works, and Changbin stands up with a huff, saying, “I hope you get a brain haemorrhage.” He walks out of the room, and Felix casts an apologetic glance that feels too much like _I’m sorry for ditching you with him but Changbin is more important._

 

There’s only the two of them left in the room. None of them speak for a good five minutes, Seungmin staring at Hyunjin intensely and Hyunjin staring out of the window. Seungmin’s pretty sure he’s seen him before. He’s about to ask Hyunjin if they’ve met (and also an ask for an apology), but the other boy beats him to it.

 

“I’m sorry for knocking you out.” He says, slightly apologetic. Seungmin takes it, because he would’ve done the same anyway. Seungmin smiles at Hyunjin, saying, “It’s alright.”

 

There’s a feeling that the conversation was far from done, but neither of them know what to say after that. Both of them lapse into an awkward silence, Seungmin lying stiffly on the infirmary bed and Hyunjin on his chair. Suddenly, Hyunjin scoots forward and the legs of his chair screech on the marble flooring. He leans forward, face close to Seungmin, and asks, “Do you remember me?”

 

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--41 days_

There’s another long pause, and Hyunjin’s question floats between them. Hyunjin doesn’t take his gaze of Seungmin, observing him silently. To his credit, the other boy doesn’t flinch, but he can see the confusion and questions but also recognition in Seungmin’s hazel eyes.

 

And then Seungmin smiles sheepishly, corners of his mouth lifting upwards. It’s not a big gesture, and probably a subconscious action on his part, but his smile just seemed so genuinely sweet and confused with just the right touch of shyness that an unexpected warmth rushes through Hyunjin.

 

“I do, but…” Seungmin trails off, his eyebrows furrowing.

 

“It was a long time ago.” Hyunjin reassures, and he can’t really find it in himself to be angry at Seungmin anymore. It _was_ a long time ago, and was it really his fault? “But I did do something bad, right?” Seungmin’s smile fades quickly, and Hyunjin’s first thought is to say something to bring it back.

 

“No, it’s alright.” Hyunjin evades the question, but Seungmin seems to remember. “It was at one of the Judo competitions in Korea, wasn’t it? And—and you were the one who I—” Seungmin stops suddenly, breathless, and Hyunjin can see the very transparent guilt in his eyes.

 

“I’m really alright now, maybe even better than before.” Hyunjin rushes to say. But Seungmin doesn’t buy it, and tries to crane his neck to look at Hyunjin’s knee. “It was the right knee, wasn’t it?”

 

“Look, I’m even okay enough to be able to compete in the Olympics! You’re the one injured right now, lying in an infirmary bed, not me.” Hyunjin stands up, showing Seungmin his healed leg. “I should be the one apologising.”

 

Seungmin waves it off, saying, “This is just temporary. But I didn’t hear about you for a long time after that match. I wondered if I’d killed you or something.”

 

“Then you can make it up to me by letting me beat you in the competition,” Hyunjin jokes, reaching over to touch Seungmin’s shoulder, laughing.

 

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--41 days_

Hyunjin laughs, and Seungmin feels his worry almost instantly fade away, and his breath gets knocked out of him, the tightness in his chest loosening. The other boy is the kind of person whose smiles would be able to charm an entire nation, Seungmin quickly realises. He’s the type who smiles with his whole face, mouth wide open and eyes scrunched up, and Seungmin can’t help but laugh as well.

 

Soon, they’re both laughing until they’re clutching at their stomachs, cheeks hurting and tears threatening to come out—but they’re not sad tears. They’re laughing at nothing in particular, and Seungmin feels his fondness grow for this almost-stranger.

 

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--40 days_

The next time they see each other, it’s on the mats. A day after Seungmin gets knocked out, he returns to the gym, Felix by his side. Seungmin gets a feeling that Changbin had asked the slightly older boy to look after him, because Felix is being more clingy than usual, hooking his arm through Seungmin’s, leaning his head against his shoulder (and since he’s shorter than Seungmin, it works perfectly well), letting Seungmin throw him instead of throwing Seungmin.

 

So, when the coach calls for a partner change, Seungmin is relieved to be free from Felix’s overly caring behaviour. He releases Felix’s lapel and is about to go up to ask for a partner when a hand pulls his shoulder. He spins around to face none other than Hwang Hyunjin, who grins at him, stepping back. Seungmin steps forward, and when the coach calls for them to continue their _nagekomi_ practice, he smiles back at Hyunjin and lets the other boy get into position.

 

Five minutes into the exercise, he realises that Hyunjin has a specific throwing style. It was rather jerky and he always exerts a bit too much force, but it was very different from what Seungmin was used to. Felix was a great partner, but he had a habit of not pulling Seungmin up after throwing. As a result, Seungmin’s tailbone would hit the mats first, then his legs and the rest of his body. Seungmin was used to it and it had stopped being painful after a few years, but Hyunjin was something _new_.

 

Hyunjin’s very careful with Seungmin, till the extent that there was no pain and barely any impact as Seungmin landed on the floor. It was unusual and odd but welcome—after all, who was he to say _no_ to not having any muscle aches after a training session.

 

When they switch over, Seungmin wasn’t surprised to find that the other boy was good of a _uke_ as he was of a _tori_. He didn’t flop forward, didn’t fall like a sack of potatoes, and their weights seemed to be almost balanced.

 

At half past five, their training ends and Seungmin, almost regretfully, lets go of Hyunjin’s sleeve. They bow to each other and move off the mats.

 

“Has anyone told you that you’re an amazing training partner?” Hyunjin says first, to Seungmin’s absolute surprise. “That was what I was going to say!” Seungmin says disbelievingly, laughing slightly.

 

“Really? Well, you too, then.” Hyunjin knocks his arm against Seungmin’s, brushing against the other boy, and Seungmin feels weirdly happy and light inside.

 

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--40 days_

They walk together, hands brushing but not exactly touching, guided by the dim glow of the streetlights around them. Hyunjin didn’t really know where they were going, but he was perfectly fine with walking around the entire of London with Seungmin if it meant they could continue talking.

 

It was a big change from their first (or rather, second) conversation. The words flow easily between both of them, talking about how and why they started Judo (television, mostly, and also because it had seemed cool), their training partners (Felix’s tendency to leave Seungmin and latch onto Changbin and how cool Park Jinyoung was), and the funniest things they’ve done during Judo (falling flat on his face and tripping over nothing and winning the match by accident).

 

Soon, they reach a fork in the road where the right side leads to the shared athlete hotel and the left to town. They glance at each other, and in the distance, a few hundred metres behind them, Hyunjin can hear their coaches talking loudly to each other, Chan’s loud laugh and another coach’s raspy voice.

 

Without thinking twice, Hyunjin grabs onto Seungmin’s hand and they turn left sharply, running along the deserted roads and under the starless night sky until the voices disappear and they all can see ahead of the dimly-lit streets are the blinking neon lights of the city.

 

Neither of them are talking now, panting slightly from having run so hard, but Hyunjin looks at Seungmin from the corner of his eye to see Seungmin looking right back at him, and they collapse on the gravel road, laughing in pure happiness and drunken freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not ashamed to say that this chap was inspired by this one time in a vlive where hyunjin backhugged seungmin (i died) and the other time before their showcase when seungmin was sitting on hyunjin and then hyunjin hugged seungmin from the back


	3. i'm doing well (i'll keep moving forward)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's days like these when seungmin thinks life, for all the pain it brings, really is worth living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> judo terms:
> 
> ouchi gari: a type of throw involving sticking out ur leg and then throwing
> 
> tai otoshi: a type of throw where u lower one leg and the balance on both legs is like 30% on one leg and 70% on the other leg then throw
> 
> just saying this part of the story was inspired by that one stray kids vlive when seungmin was wearing a white hoodie and hyunjin was wearing a badass black jacket and they were sitting beside each other and linking their arms tgt HELLA CUTELY and then Seungmin did aegyo and then all of them were like AAAAAAH

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--30 days_

It becomes a constant thing. Partnering up for training, ignoring Felix’s whines that his own best friend is ditching him for some boy, leaving together after training and maybe going out. Seungmin really likes spending time with Hyunjin, but his favourites are when training ends late, and it’s already ten at night when both of them exit the stadium, huddled under thick jackets and staying close to each other for shared body warmth.

On a Friday, four weeks after they’d landed in London, training ends late, and Felix comes up to him to inform him that he’d be going out, and Seungmin could suck it up. “You always go out with Hyunjin anyway. Survivor’s guilt?” He jokes, and Seungmin considers the possibility of him spending so much time with Hyunjin merely because he felt _guilty_ , but dismisses that thought quickly. Even if it began like that, it wasn’t anymore.

“Whatever. Have fun with Changbin.” Seungmin sing-songs, and skips off to the changing room. “I didn’t even say it was him!” Felix yells after him, but he couldn’t lie to Seungmin anyway.

In the changing room, he strips off his sweaty and smelly judogi, and picks up his clothes. He can hear the door opening and closing, and ignores it. He leaves the dirty outfit on the benches and is about to enter the shower but a head of black hair appears in the doorway of the changing room.

“Seungmin!” Hyunjin greets cheerfully, and is about to continue when he realises that Seungmin is not fully dressed, and freaks out, dropping his bag and covering his eyes. Seungmin laughs, and he sees Hyunjin opening one eye to peek between his fingers. “I’m still wearing shorts, Hyunjinnie. I’m not completely naked.” Seungmin says, leaning behind the shower stall’s door to deposit his clean clothes and stepping out.

“You wanted to talk to me?” Seungmin says, and suddenly he’s hyperaware of Hyunjin looking at him. It occurs to him that although he’s an athlete, he doesn’t have the build of many. He’s relatively muscular and slim, but he isn’t as buff as others. It had never bothered him before, but now, standing in front of a very attractive boy who probably was way more muscular, he chides himself for not working out at the gym more.

“Yes. I wanted to ask if you wanted to head out after this.” Hyunjin stutters, and adds under his breath, probably not meaning for Seungmin to hear, “But you also look nice.”

Seungmin ignored the last statement, pretending not to hear it, but the tips of his ears flush pink and his brain is buzzing. “Don’t we always?” Seungmin replies.

“Just checking, Minnie.” Hyunjin, seeming to have gathered back his senses, laughs, and steps into a showering stall himself. Seungmin closes the door, still flushing but this time because of the nickname Hyunjin gave him. _How can a person be so cute?_ He thinks, then he hears a thud and a muffled groan of pain beside him.

“You okay?” Seungmin asks, genuinely concerned. The shower starts up in the stall next to him. “Yeah, just tripped over some stuff.” Hyunjin replies, and Seungmin can’t help but feel the fondness in his heart (that he associates with Hyunjin) grow.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--25 days_

It’s another day of training, and this time they end a bit earlier. At six, they’re released from training and by half past six, both of them meet at the doorway of the stadium. Hyunjin is wearing a thick fleece jacket, and he notices, to his half-surprise and horror, that Seungmin wasn’t wearing a coat. He has a short-sleeve shirt and a thin cardigan over, but that’s it. Eyeing him sceptically, he asks, “Aren’t you cold?” 

Seungmin shakes his head. “No, don’t worry about me. I just forgot to bring my jacket out, that’s all. Where do you wanna go today?” Hyunjin frowns at him, but takes his word for it (for now). “I was thinking of heading to a park somewhere along the road to the city. I saw it on our way there, and it’s pretty secluded.”

Seungmin nods, and both of them set off, heads bent low against the frigid winter air. During the first few minutes of their walk, they’re talking, laughing loudly and bumping shoulders every once in a while. Hyunjin has his hands deep into the pockets of his coat, but Seungmin doesn’t have a coat, and his hands dangle freely by his side. 

_Do it, you coward_ , Hyunjin tells himself, and reaches out to grasp Seungmin’s hands. To no one’s surprise, his fingers are cold and Hyunjin thinks, _why didn’t he say anything?_

Seungmin startles, but quickly wraps his frozen fingers around Hyunjin’s warm ones. Hyunjin fights back a smile, and does the most out-of-character thing he’s done his entire life. Nervous and heart beating out of his chest, he tucks their intertwined hands into his jacket pocket.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--25 days_

Seungmin feels like he’s about to die. The air around them is freezing, probably negative hundred or something and it looks like it’s about to rain (when does it not rain in London?) but Hyunjin is currently holding his hand, and has just slotted both their intertwined hands into his pocket.

If he concentrates, he can feel Hyunjin’s pulse against his own, and both of their pulses are racing to keep up with each other. He was cold, but now he can’t feel anything but overwhelming affection towards the boy walking beside him.

Just in front of them is a park, silent and deserted and dimly lit with the streetlights. They enter the park, feet crunching on frozen grass. It’s less cold here, with the towering trees blocking out some of the wind. They keep walking. Hyunjin seems to be leading him towards somewhere, and when he squints, he can see the faint outline of a bench besides a pond.

They reach the bench, and Hyunjin tugs him down to sit beside him. Unfortunately, the bench is freezing, and Seungmin almost jumps up from the shock of the cold. Noticing this, Hyunjin pulls him closer, and wraps an arm around his shoulders.

Seungmin becomes very aware of how close they are. Their ankles knock together, and the denim material of his jeans brush against Hyunjin’s. The entire of Seungmin’s side is pressed up against Hyunjin’s side, and the other boy’s breath tickles his neck.

“It’s peaceful here.” Seungmin breaks the silence first, staring around at their surroundings and trying not to take too much note of their proximity. “Yeah. That’s why I brought you here. I think there were originally ducks swimming in this pond, but winter froze the entire place over. Can you see the long grass over there? There are remains of duck eggshells hidden inside.” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin realises that the other boy is nervous, and had started to ramble.

_He’s just too cute. Is this even allowed?_ He thinks, and although he’s just as nervous as Hyunjin, the fluttering of his heart prompts him to turn to Hyunjin and rest his head on the boy’s shoulder.

He’d never noticed it before, but Hyunjin’s shoulders weren’t by any means narrow. Seungmin tucks his head into the crook of his neck, and he feels the other boy’s breath quicken slightly, and Hyunjin stiffens up just a bit before relaxing and tightening his grasp on Seungmin’s shoulders to pull him closer to his side.

If they were in close proximity before, they were almost cuddling now, but Hyunjin was really _really_ warm and Seungmin was cold and he can’t help but notice the way Hyunjin’s slightly damp fringe falls over his forehead, curling just a bit at the tips and the fullness of his lips, red even in the chill of London’s winter.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--25 days_

_What was Seungmin even trying to do_ ? Hyunjin was unbearably nervous and tongue-tied—if Seungmin asked him anything now, he would probably blurt out (like an idiot) how pretty he found Seungmin’s laugh or something similarly idiotic.

The leaves rustle, and Seungmin speaks up. “We should probably get back soon.” Hyunjin can feel the vibration of his throat against his shoulder as he speaks, and represses a shiver.

Hyunjin nods, but doesn’t move. Neither does Seungmin. Cautiously, he leans his head slightly to the side, leaning against the top of Seungmin’s head. They’re not really the perfect height, with Hyunjin being only about four centimetres taller than Seungmin, but they fit together perfectly nonetheless.

The rare silence that passes between them doesn’t even have a hint of awkwardness. Instead, the erratic beating of Hyunjin’s heart slows down because Seungmin’s presence is just calming like that. 

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--25 days_

The rare silence that passes between them doesn’t even have a hint of awkwardness. Instead, the cold that had been threatening to overwhelm him turns into a shy affection that warms Seungmin’s heart because Hyunjin’s presence is just unfairly lovely like that.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--20 days_

The first time Seungmin feels anything like irritation towards Hyunjin is during training. They’re partnered once again, and the coach told them to practice their combination throws. Hyunjin keeps insisting on repeating the same combination (it was something like a _ouchi gari_ and _tai otoshi_ ) and honestly, it wasn’t working out. At all.

It wasn’t so much about the aching in Seungmin’s back than the fact he realised what Hyunjin was doing. Or rather, destroying himself trying to do. He was pushing himself too hard, and Seungmin is determined not to let the boy end up like his old self a few years ago. 

“Hyunjin, I can try to help you. Or you can try changing combination throw?” Seungmin offers for what seems like the sixteenth time, but Hyunjin ignores him again. Pulling Seungmin, he attempts the throw again but he stumbles, pulling Seungmin down with him. Huffing in annoyance and exasperation, he punches the floor once and stands up again. But Seungmin doesn’t let him continue, catching onto his hand.

Hyunjin tries to shake off his hand, but Seungmin doesn’t let him. “Hyunjin, not all combination throws will work all the time. When it doesn’t, you need to learn how to let go.” He says softly, hoping the words get through to Hyunjin. 

They don’t, not really. Hyunjin shakes off his hand, and Seungmin stumbles and falls to the mats from the force Hyunjin exerts. He doesn’t seem to notice, and he’s just staring angrily at Seungmin. “You don’t know anything about letting go. You want to talk about letting go when you had no purpose in life for two whole years? You’ve never felt the desperation like I have, nor the hopelessness. I can’t let go again, because it might as well be my only chance to prove myself.” Hyunjin says all at once, eyes angry but also desperate.

Seungmin is taken aback, but he knows Hyunjin isn’t angry at him. He’s scared for himself, and Seungmin isn’t the kind of person who’d just sit back and watch him destroy himself.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--20 days_

Hyunjin knows he isn’t actually angry. He’s just tired, desperate and lost. He doesn’t know anything other than train and train and train more, and he’s too afraid of what might happen if he loses this chance. He’s frustrated at himself and his incapability to do anything right, and he fights back tears. He’s horrified when he raises a hand to his face and realises tears are dripping from his eyes, and he angrily wipes away the dampness.

He realises he shouldn’t be taking this out on Seungmin. Seungmin, who’s been nothing but accepting and kind and funny and amazing to be with. Seungmin, whom he’s just pushed away. The expression on his face changes from irritation to understanding and tenderness, and Hyunjin can’t stand how nice Seungmin is being to him when he’s just lashed out at him.

He’s about to turn away and maybe run out of the stadium, but Seungmin’s fingers circle his wrist again. “I might not understand, Hyunjin, but I care. Isn’t that enough for you?” He says pleadingly, his eyes bright and understanding. Hyunjin looks around them, but (fortunately) all the other judokas don’t seem to notice the both of them. There’s one blonde-haired boy with another dark-haired one who seems to look at both of them with slight curiosity before turning away.

But the coach has caught sight of them, and he raises his eyebrows questioningly. Hyunjin gestures for Seungmin to get up, and he also realises that the blonde coach is very much glaring at them for slacking. Seungmin starts the exercise again, but both of them are just going through the motions for the sake of not getting called out.

There’s silence for a long time, and even when they move on to the next exercise, Hyunjin doesn’t say anything, thoughts running through his mind too fast for him to catch any of them.

Hyunjin doesn’t reply for a long time, but when he does, the tears have long dried from his eyes. “Maybe it’ll be.” He says haltingly, voice shaky. There’s no more time for anymore words or anything, but Seungmin touches his shoulder lightly, smiling, and that’s enough.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--18 days_

If that incident had been a bad day, today was a good day. It’s a Sunday and one of their free days, so Hyunjin had not-so-subtly hinted at both of them going out. Seungmin pretended not to notice how fidgety Hyunjin.

Now they were walking along the city streets, and Seungmin realises that Hyunjin is a very tactile person. It didn’t matter if they were in public or by themselves—it was as if he had to have minimal contact with someone at all times. 

When they sat down next to each other, Seungmin always finds Hyunjin’s legs draped over his lap or an arm slung over his shoulders, pulling him close. When they walked together, Hyunjin would always find his way over to Seungmin and interlock their fingers or link their arms together. Even during training, he would always reach down to grab Seungmin’s hands to pull him up. It wasn’t as if Seungmin minded, anyway.

It was no different today. He walks beside Hyunjin, their footsteps loud against the silent backdrop of London. It was a good day also because for once—it wasn’t raining, and although the sun wasn’t exactly out, it was enough for Seungmin that Hyunjin was smiling.

He wondered how their conversations had turned from casual chats about Judo to what colour they’d like to dye their hair after the competitions. “Ombre blonde.” Hyunjin says seriously, and Seungmin can’t really tell if he’s being serious.

“That’s so normal. Why wouldn’t you take the chance to go all outrageous and dye it something like, rainbow?” Seungmin retorts.

Hyunjin seems to consider the idea for a bit, before frowning and saying, “I don’t think I’d look good with rainbow.”

Scoffing Seungmin says jokingly, “You’d look good in any colour. You could shave your head bald and you’d still look good.” Seungmin expects Hyunjin to laugh and tease him back or something equally _Hyunjin_ , but the other boy looks down, and hides his face in the fluffy material of his scarf. 

“Are you okay?” Seungmin asks hesitantly, stroking a thumb over their interconnected hands. “No.” Hyunjin replies, words muffled by the scarf. On closer inspection, Seungmin can see the tips of his ears turning red. _How is he this adorable?_

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--18 days_

_How is he this adorable?_ Hyunjin thinks, despairing over the fact that he’d never measure up to Seungmin’s cuteness. He can feel the calming sensation of Seungmin’s thumb sweeping over the top of his hand, and the grounding pressure of his warm hand against Hyunjin’s.

“You can’t be cuter than me,” Hyunjin grumbles under his breath, and unfortunately, the subject of his misery hears what he says. “That’s not possible, Hyunjinnie.” Seungmin laughs, and Hyunjin wants to _die_ at how unfairly sweet and precious his laugh is. He feels an overwhelming urge to hug the younger boy and so he does exactly that. 

Letting go of Seungmin’s hand, he turns to him. “Seungmin, I’m going to hug you.” He says seriously before wrapping his arms around the slightly shorter boy’s shoulders, nuzzling into the soft material of his fleece jacket. For once, neither of them smelt like post-training sweat, and Hyunjin breathes in and out deeply, trying to memorise the oddly comforting scent of black pepper and lavender that was just so _Seungmin_.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--18 days_

He barely gets time to respond or react before Hyunjin wraps his long arms around Seungmin. He feels Hyunjin rest his head in the juncture between his shoulder and neck, his skin impossibly warm and Seungmin wonders if it’s weird to like someone this much.

He doesn’t hesitate to hug back. Hyunjin is just slightly taller than him, so he rests his arms around the boy’s waist, leaning on his chest. They’re standing in the middle of an empty street, with only the sound of the wind and the roadside sparrows as their company, and Seungmin has never been more grateful for the privacy.

He feels Hyunjin’s heart beating against his own chest, and he smiles a little to himself when he realises the other boy is nervous. Tightening his grip around Hyunjin just a little more and combing his fingers through the other’s hair, Hyunjin’s heart rate slows down just a little and Seungmin closes his eyes, almost deliriously happy for this blessed moment.

Then it starts raining. It starts off as a light drizzle and both of them realise this but don’t do anything to move. Very quickly, the drizzle changes to a downpour and Seungmin pulls apart from Hyunjin and the other boy looks almost _sad_.

“We have to get back to the hotel,” Seungmin says, tugging on Hyunjin’s hand. Hyunjin doesn’t move, only staring at Seungmin with this sort of wistful and faraway look in his eyes. “Hyunjinnie!” Seungmin says a bit louder, snapping his fingers in front of the boy’s face. 

Hyunjin seems to shake his head slightly, and he laughs, the smile slipping onto his face easily. “I’m tired, though.” He pouts, looking at Seungmin with wide eyes and Seungmin can’t help but melt just a little at the sight of the six-feet grown man who’s just about as intimidating as a kitten.

Turning around, Seungmin bends down slightly. “Jump.” He says. He can imagine Hyunjin grinning, because that scheming boy knew exactly what Seungmin would do for him. He feels a pair of hands settle on his shoulder blades, and tenses himself to prepare for the weight. Hyunjin jumps, and wraps his legs around Seungmin’s waist.

Seungmin doesn’t lose his balance or rock forward or anything. They’ve done this enough times during physical training for both of them to get used to the slight strain on their thighs and biceps. “Go!” Hyunjin honest-to-god _giggles_ , pointing forward. Seungmin pulls him up a little, and Hyunjin wobbles a little on Seungmin’s back, but doesn’t fall.

Starting forward, Seungmin walks through the pouring rain, but strangely enough, he doesn’t feel the usual cold that seeps into his bones or the weariness that came with walking in the cold. Instead, he feels the warm contact of Hyunjin on his back, and Hyunjin’s hands gripping gently onto his shoulders and he can’t find it himself to bother about the cold.

“I’ll protect you,” Hyunjin says, taking off his jacket and spreading it over the both of them like an umbrella. Slightly concerned, Seungmin says, “Put it on, Hyunjin. What if you catch a cold?”

“I’m never cold when I’m near you.” Hyunjin says honestly, and Seungmin would’ve blushed if he didn’t almost trip over a rock jutting out of the pavement. “Hey, you insolent kid. Are you drunk?” Seungmin says, but there’s no real bite in his voice.

“I’m older than you. And no, I’m not drunk,” Hyunjin huffs, and adds under his breath, just loud enough for Seungmin to hear, “I’m just intoxicated by you.”

Seungmin really does blush this time, letting go of his grip on one of Hyunjin’s leg to swat at him. “Stop saying things like that!” He scolds. “But why not? It’s true, anyway.” Hyunjin replies easily, and they fall into their usual pattern of bickering and laughing and giving small smiles to the other when they think the other isn’t looking.

Soon, the soft white and red lights of the hotel are visible through the rain, and they fall silent, letting the harsh pitter-patter of the rain fill the silence between them. Seungmin’s legs are starting to ache just a bit, and Hyunjin offers to take over, and Seungmin has never been one to reject a free ride.

Hopping slightly, he settles himself on Hyunjin’s back, feeling the muscles in his back strain a little. “So you _are_ buff,” Seungmin marvels to himself, and he’s reminded of the time Hyunjin and him had been in the changing room at the same time, and he wondered if the other boy was really muscular.

“I’m not.” Hyunjin says weakly. Prodding Hyunjin’s biceps, Seungmin marvels at the way the muscle doesn’t give in at all. “You are! How do you even do it?” He breathes, staring in wonder.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--18 days_

Hyunjin feels the tips of his ears heat up, and he hates the effect the other boy had on him. (He doesn’t really.) He was _Hwang Hyunjin_ , known as one of the best, most suave and cool visuals in Judo and he was not about to lose this title by being so damn _whipped_ for Seungmin.

Deciding to change tactics, he says confidently, “Of course I am! Who do you think I am?” He can feel Seungmin’s eye roll, and Seungmin scoffs and says something along the lines of ‘I’m better’, but Hyunjin’s heart is just so so _so_ full and he can’t help smiling like an idiot, his heart pounding so incredibly fast. 

He feels Seungmin sliding off a little and changes grip, hands holding tightly onto the underside of his legs. He hates the fact that the hotel was just in front of them now, and he’d have to separate from the boy soon. He can practically hear Jisung’s voice in his head saying something ridiculous like _you’re so whipped_ or _you disgust me_ but all he can actually focus on is Seungmin’s lilting voice and the comforting weight of Seungmin and glowing aura that Seungmin seems to emit everywhere he goes.

He feels the said boy patting his shoulder, asking him to let him down. Grudgingly, he does, almost instantly missing him. But he doesn’t have the chance to, because Seungmin is just so so _so_ perfect and knows exactly what to do. Threading his fingers through Hyunjin’s own, Seungmin swings their hands between both of them, and Hyunjin is just so so _so_ damn happy he feels like his heart is about to burst.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--15 days_

“This is why you’re not buff,” Felix mutters under his breath, supporting the weight as Seungmin does his fifth bench press. “Easy…for you…to say,” Seungmin huffs out, face turned red under the weight of the barbell.

“Felix, add one more weight to the barbell,” Changbin instructs, watching from the side, and he’s all too happy to oblige, fitting a five-pound weight onto both ends of the barbell. “I’m going to drop it!” Seungmin squeaks, and Felix quickly grabs onto the barbell. “No, you’re not. You’re going to finish your reps.” Changbin says.

_Why not you try doing it yourself?_ Seungmin thinks, but he’s too scared to say it out loud because his coach was exactly the kind of person who loved watching others suffer. “Ten more,” Felix says, and Seungmin feels his arm muscles quiver and he almost drops the dumbbell onto his face. It’s been a whole month since he’d last hit the gym, and clearly it’s showing.

He hears the door open, and brushes it off as another judoka coming in. “Chan!” Changbin says, and Seungmin doesn’t bother looking. “How’s it going?” Another voice (Chan, he assumes) asks.

“He’s a lazy little shit who doesn’t bother doing any physical training by himself. It’s literally fifty pounds less than Felix usually does, and he’s already struggling.” Changbin complains, and Seungmin blinks rapidly, trying to get the sweat out of his eyes. “I can hear you!” He calls.

“Don’t be so hard on him, Binnie,” Chan says, and there’s someone else humming in agreement. “How many does he do?” Changbin asks, and Seungmin’s confused because since when was there another person in the room?

“About two hundred and fifty pounds,” Chan replies, and Seungmin sucks in a surprised breath. Felix does the same, and he asks, “How?” _Same_ , Seungmin thinks. “I don’t know, I just do.” Another voice says, and Seungmin really does drop the dumbbell this time because _oh no that voice sounds too familiar_.

Felix doesn’t catch the weights in time, the falling weight of the dumbbell too heavy for him and it slips out of his fingers. Seungmin has approximately zero point five seconds to react before the hundred-and-fifty-pound dumbbell reaches him and crushes his ribs and kills him in a freak accident.

He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to roll off the bench in time, but everything’s happening so fast and he prepares himself for the impact of the weight, but—

_Five, four, three, two, one_ . Seungmin counts, and opens his eyes a crack to see Felix on the floor, eyes wide and staring at somebody behind him. In the mirror, he can see an equally surprised Changbin. He lifts his head up, and it makes contact with a metal object—the handle of dumbbell. _What?_ He thinks, stunned. He looks up slowly, and sees the dumbbell barely five centimetres above his head. “I think you should get up.” Hyunjin’s voice says from behind him, and there’s a soft clanking of metal against metal as the dumbbell is set back onto the racks.

“What?” He says dumbly. Hyunjin walks around him to offer a hand. Seungmin accepts it, still in a state of shock. Hyunjin pulls him up to a sitting position, and wraps his arms around Seungmin’s shoulders, resting his chin on top of Seungmin’s head. “That was quite scary. Why did you even drop it?” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin can feel the vibrations of his chest against his back.

There’s the sound of the door shutting gently, and Seungmin is snapped out of his trance. He looks at the entrance only to see the receding figures of three guys, walking away from the gym. “What?” He repeats at both Hyunjin and his _traitorous_ friends, and Hyunjin laughs and pulls him to his feet. “I have no idea how you managed to drop it and nearly crush your neck.”

_Neither do I_ , Seungmin thinks. Hyunjin is talking now, but Seungmin only stares at his back, wondering how the hell he’d managed to find such a perfect guy. “Thanks, Hyunjinnie,” Seungmin says, cutting him off mid-sentence.

“It’s nothing. You’d have done the same for me anyway,” Hyunjin mumbles, pressing in the access code and leading Seungmin out of the door. It’s raining outside, and both of them duck under the shaded walkway leading out of the sports facilities. He doesn’t let go of Seungmin’s hand, and Seungmin doesn’t let go either.

“No, I wouldn’t, because I’m too weak.” Seungmin jokes, and Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “We’ll see about that in fifteen days’ time.” Hyunjin replies, and Seungmin rolls his eyes good-naturedly.

“Suddenly I’m not weak anymore,” Seungmin says, as the red-and-white hotel comes into view. “We’ll see.” Hyunjin says. They’d reached the end of the sheltered pathway, and neither of them had thought to bring an umbrella with them. Who brings an umbrella while working out, anyway?

“We can just make a run for it,” Hyunjin suggests, and Seungmin shoots down his idea. “Are you crazy? Do you want to get sick before the Olympics?” He asks incredulously. “It’s just fifty metres away, at most.” Hyunjin replies.

“There’s this saying in Chinese,  落汤鸡 . It literally means wet chicken, and it’s used when they see someone who’s absolutely drenched. Do you want to be compared to a chicken when you reach back to the hotels? There are multiple Chinese athletes in there, and I’m not going to be the one to translate what they’re gossiping about you to you.” Seungmin says in one breath. Maybe it was a bit too much, because Hyunjin visibly deflates a bit.

He supposes he’s become soft, because in the next second, Hyunjin is tightening his grip on Seungmin’s arm and pulling him out into the pouring rain. “Hwang Hyunjin!” He shouts, feeling the wetness soaking his clothes _(his newly-washed clothes)_ and his bangs flop uselessly over his forehead, obstructing his vision.

“Kim Seungmin!” Hyunjin yells back, and Seungmin really wants to punch him right now. “What if I get pneumonia and die?” He screams at the boy dragging him along the roads, barely catching himself as he stumbles over a pothole. 

“Don’t worry, Seungminnie. I’ll take care of you if you fall sick.” Hyunjin says, slowing down. They’re about five metres away from the entrance, and Seungmin glares at him once more before pulling his hand out of Hyunjin’s grip. They enter the hotel together, water dripping onto the carpets and ignoring the judging glances of the other hotel residents.

“What if we both fall sick?” Seungmin retorts. 

“Nah, won’t happen.” Hyunjin replies smugly, as Seungmin scrunches his face up and sneezes. “See! I told you.” Seungmin said, voice muffled by Hyunjin stuffing tissue papers into his face. 

“Whatever,” Hyunjin mumbles, pulling Seungmin into the lift. “You won’t be saying that when we’re both sick and unable to compete!” He nags, and Hyunjin has nothing else to say so he just pulls Seungmin closer and wraps an arm around him, effectively shutting him up. “You’re an idiot.” Seungmin sniffles.

“Your idiot.” Hyunjin says fondly.

“My idiot.” Seungmin agrees.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yAAAAY chapter three to be honest i think this chapter...is better than chapter 2 (i didnt like the prev chap lmao)
> 
> and also i...can't write angst for SHIT omfg legit i need help 
> 
> ALSO I THINK I CHANGED BIAS AFTER DISTRICT 9 CAME OUT???OMFG YA I RLLY DO NEED HELP
> 
> (p.s im running out of chap titles/chap summaries...sos...pls...HAHAHA)
> 
> and yes, i extended the number of chapters to 5 instead of 4 bc i'm longwinded af i think this is becoming slowburn...help but im writing the 5th chapter rn and boooooy i am STRUGGLING


	4. comforts me in other ways (makes me fly)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and they've never been this way before, but nowadays it's 'us' and 'we' and hyunjinseungminhyunjinseungmin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this chap was 100001% from the day chan hyunjin seungmin went out to bowl LMAO and seungmin guttered and hyunjin strikes except well i changed it to changbin lululul p.s i think i may make a epilogue chapter 6 aft chap 5...i don't know not sure lol cos its alr kinda long
> 
> THIS FIC IS DEDICATED TO LEE EUIWOONG MY PRODUCE 101 BIAS??? IT WAS HIS BDAY ON 5TH APRIL ILY WOONGIE <3
> 
>  
> 
> (super side and unimportant note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AO3 USER @shinhwi !!! i APPRECIATE U SM AND UR AN AMAZING PERSON stay gold (영원히 STAY GOLDDDDD) and lame and loser and ugly and the worst friend ever. thanks for being there for me <3 ok)

_ Hyunjin, 2018 _

_ \--13 days _

__

It’s not difficult to like Seungmin, Hyunjin realizes. Even when they’re both sick and lying together in a bed because ‘it’s too cold’. Maybe it was the fact that he was just naturally cute, or that he was by nature a fun person, teasing Hyunjin endlessly about his bad hair days. But there were days were Seungmin was quiet. Those were Hyunjin’s favourite days. Seungmin would come up to Hyunjin after training, hair still damp from the shower and sports tape wrapped around his knee. They would toss their things into the hotel reception area and walk towards the small forest at the edge of the hotel perimeter, hands intertwined.

They didn’t always need words to communicate. All Hyunjin needed to do was to look at Seungmin and realise when the other boy was feeling down. He supposes this mutual understanding came from the fact that both of them have been through similar adversities, whether it had been Judo problems or life-changing injuries.

Those were the days that Seungmin would lean in, hair brushing the tip of Hyunjin’s nose. Hyunjin, of course, would reciprocate, pulling Seungmin closer towards him and tightening the arm around his waist. Sometimes, the other boy would fall asleep on his shoulder, but Hyunjin didn’t particularly mind.

But not every happy story had a happy ending, right? And the villain in this story came in the form of two demons. He could swear that Felix and Changbin stalked both of them whenever they went out (or maybe Hyunjin just talked too loudly).

“Wake up, lovebirds!” Felix sings, tickling Hyunjin’s side. “Since when did you decide get so familiar with me?” Hyunjin complains, pushing Felix away. “Since you decided to hit up my best friend. Shouldn’t you be grateful?” Felix says, giving up on disturbing Hyunjin and changing target to Seungmin.

“Well, I’m not.” Hyunjin grumbles ignoring the first part of his sentence, and shoots a _look_ at Changbin. He was so sure that the coach was the Responsible adult figure, but apparently not. The older boy shrugs helplessly and glances at Felix, who’s now blowing into Seungmin’s ears. Hyunjin nudges Seungmin lightly, but he doesn’t stir.

“Is he dead?” Hyunjin mutters under his breath, poking his side with slightly more force. “He’s just a deep sleeper,” Changbin speaks up for the first time that night, and Hyunjin _swears_ he sees them exchanging glances before turning their attention onto Hyunjin. “Why don’t you give him a kiss,” Felix stops in the middle of his sentence just to make kissy noises at Hyunjin, “And wake him up, Prince Charming?”

Hyunjin is about to whack Felix for suggesting such a wholly stupid idea, but Seungmin jolts awake, shooting out of his seat and kicking Felix in the shin as he stands up. “No kissing,” Seungmin says. “No public displays of affection in front of me, Felix and Changbin-hyung!” 

Changbin laughs, saying, “He was referring to Hyunjin and you, you dumb boy.” Seungmin takes roughly three seconds to process his words, before glancing at Hyunjin and then back at Felix, and another zero point five seconds for him to jump onto Felix, punching him repeatedly in the stomach. “You stupid kid!” Seungmin yells, and Felix is too busy laughing to fend off Seungmin’s attacks. 

“Yeah, stupid.” Hyunjin agrees weakly, and Changbin gives him a knowing look, raising his eyebrows. “What?” Hyunjin says. Changbin shrugs _for the second time that night_ and turns away. “What?” Hyunjin says louder, desperate for Changbin to reply. Why would he give him that look? “Nothing much. Figure it out yourself, idiot.” Changbin says over the sounds of the two other boys yelling at each other. 

“What?” Hyunjin says to himself before turning back to the others. “Stop slapping me! You’re supposed to be the gentle and soft one in our friendship,” Felix whines, and Seungmin stops for a while to smile at him. “Yeah, because that’s what I want people to think,” He says, before changing tactics and starting to tickle Felix mercilessly. The blonde boy squeals, wriggling around in Seungmin’s grip, laughing and crying helplessly at the same time.

“He’s scary,” Hyunjin breathes, partly afraid of his own safety but also slightly in awe, and Changbin nods. “Terrifying,” He replies gravely.

_ Seungmin, 2018 _

_ \--11 days _

__

“Get your lazy ass out of bed and let’s go!” Someone yells, shaking Seungmin by the shoulders. He grumbles and turns over to face (what he thinks is) the wall. “We’re going out, you lazy ass.” The person says, pulling the blanket off him. “Shut the fuck up,” Seungmin says.

“Oh, you swore!” The person (who he’s identified as Felix) says gleefully. “Changbin-hyung, Seungmin swore!” He shouts. 

“Good for him.” Changbin says from down the hall. Seungmin snorts, and pulls the pillow over his face. “Go away.” He mutters. “Do you know who we’re going out with?” Felix says, and there’s a soft sound as the other boy sits on his bed. 

“I don’t really care.” Seungmin says, and tries to go to sleep again but Felix has resorted to pinching his cheeks and nose. “Really? You don’t care? Even if it’s your future husband?” Felix teases. “Who?” Seungmin says, slapping away Felix’s hand. _What the hell is that idiot talking about now?_

__

“Hyunjin!” Felix says, at the same time as there’s the sound of the door hitting the wall and someone saying, “Are we ready to go?” 

Seungmin barely registers the voice before he panics, shooting up in his bed and grabbing the blankets off the floor to cover his face. “Hyunjin, what are you doing here?” He says, facing the wall with the blanket pulled over his face. He was _not_ about to let Hyunjin see his swollen and hideous face in the morning. “You’re so lame,” Felix sighs before moving out of his room. “Bye!” Hyunjin calls out after him.

“I swear, it’s like your personalities have been exchanged.” He hears someone mutter in the corridor, and chooses wisely to ignore them.

“Hyunjinnie, can you go out for a moment while I wash up? I’m really ugly in the mornings,” Seungmin says, face still covered by the blanket.   
  


“That’s not possible.” Hyunjin says. “Yes, it is! Not everyone can be handsome all the time.” Seungmin says sadly, adding _not like you_ at the back of the sentence in his head. “I mean, it’s alright anyway. I look like a frog in the mornings too.” Hyunjin says.

“Shut up.” Seungmin says grumpily. Why does he have to lie and be so damn bloody nice? “Okay, I’ll turn around while you wash up.” Hyunjin says, sitting on the hotel chair. “You better not turn around,” Seungmin threatens, and throws off the blanket, running to the toilet and slamming the door shut—all in record speed.

By the time he’s done, Hyunjin has fallen asleep in the chair and Felix and Changbin have blown up his phone with texts going something along the line of _HURRY UP_ and _STOP MAKING OUT WITH HYUNJIN._ Deleting that last text, he pulls on his shirt and exits the bathroom.

He steps over his luggage and the smelly pile of Judogi on the floor, and at the exact same moment he reaches out to slip Hyunjin’s phone out from his grip, the other boy’s eyes blink open. “No.” He says, grabbing his phone and standing up. “But you were sleeping!” Seungmin says, disappointed at the missed opportunity. “Yeah, because you took so long in the shower.” Hyunjin nudges Seungmin aside, heading towards the door.

“Just come out already!” Felix shouts, banging on the door. “Before he breaks the damn door down,” Changbin adds.

They walk out of the hotel’s revolving doors together, and Felix screams as Seungmin pushes him back into the door and nearly gets stuck in the entrance, but Changbin grabs him by the collar and pulls him out just in time. Seungmin feels just a little guilty when Felix pouts and clings on to Changbin, but then the feeling quickly disappears when Hyunjin laughs at him, and he laughs along with Hyunjin.

“Can we go bowling?” Seungmin and Hyunjin say at the same time, then turn to high-five each other. “Sure, whatever.” Changbin says, and they turn the street in the direction of the bowling alley. 

“Do you know where you’re going?” Seungmin asks after about five minutes of walking. “I think I see the same fruit stall sign that we saw just now, though I wouldn’t really know since I can’t read English.” Hyunjin adds.

“Of course I know,” Felix huffs. “I can read English.”

“But do you even know where the bowling alley is?” Changbin says, and Felix turns to stare at him with a look of utter betrayal. “Of course!”

“Where?” 

“Somewhere around.” Felix gestures in the general direction of the streets, and all three of them sigh in unison.

Half an hour later, they come to the conclusion that Felix, in fact, does _not_ know where the bowling alley is, after walking in circles and seeing the same damn fruit stall sign at least four times. “Dumbass,” Seungmin mutters, as a kind saint from the street guides them into the dimly-lit bowling alley. Felix, having resorted to clinging to Changbin _again_ to prevent Seungmin and Hyunjin from murdering him, glares back. 

Hyunjin glances from Seungmin to Felix and back to Felix and then to Seungmin again, and then he grabs Seungmin’s hand and pulls him to the counter to book the lanes while Changbin drags Felix to thank the kind older man who’d led them here. Seungmin makes sure to glare extra hard at Felix as they pass by each other and Felix retaliates by bumping into Seungmin, shoving at his shoulder.

“Stupid shit got us lost and then still dares to disturb me,” Seungmin pouts, the end of his voice catching. “I agree.” Hyunjin says distractedly. “Hey, can you calculate the rates? I failed Math in school.”

Seungmin, anger forgotten the moment Hyunjin had opened his mouth, agrees. Squinting at the prices, he mutters the numbers under his breath for a while before saying, “Fifteen pounds in total, apparently.” 

“How much is that in Korean won?” Hyunjin asks. “I don’t know the exchange rate…but the organizers gave us money to spend anyway so I don’t really care either way.” Seungmin says, and nudges Hyunjin forwards to pay. “So we could be spending a hundred thousand won on two bowling games and we wouldn’t even know?” Hyunjin says while passing the bills over to the cashier, who’s giving Hyunjin heart-eyes but the latter doesn’t even notice.

Seungmin notices, though. He glares at the cashier and makes a move to hold Hyunjin’s hand or hug him, but he catches himself. _What am I doing?_ He thinks, realizing with a start how un-platonic his thoughts have become the past few days. 

By the time he’s finished thinking, Felix and Changbin have come back from the toilet and Hyunjin has finished paying and they’re collecting their bowling shoes. “Hyunjinnie, what’s your size?” He calls to the boy sitting on the benches. “Nine!” Hyunjin replies, and Seungmin is delighted when he realizes both of them have the exact same shoe size. “We can even share shoes now!” Seungmin says out loud, and unfortunately Dumbass #1 hears it, and decides to go, “That’s an awfully couple thing of you two to do.”

And at the same time, Hyunjin walks up to Seungmin to get his bowling shoes and hears the tail end of Felix’s sentence. “Seungmin is doing couple things with _who_?” Hyunjin asks, his tone going higher at the end of his sentence. “Oh, no one.” Felix says smugly before walking off to join Changbin. “Is he always like this?” Hyunjin asks after the long silence is broken. “Yeah, pretty much.” Seungmin replies, and they walk together to the alley.

In the end, Changbin beats all of them with four strikes in a row and then two spares after that, and Seungmin loses miserably with a total score of thirty points. He’s sulking at the corner as he watches Felix hug Changbin in delight, glowering at the both of them. “It’s alright, you’d win them in Judo anyway.” Hyunjin says, arm draped over his shoulder. Seungmin brightens and says, “That’s right! Bowling doesn’t matter.” Both of them laugh, and thoughts of plotting to murder Changbin slips out of his mind and Hyunjin continues talking to him.

_ Hyunjin, 2018 _

_ \--7 days _

And although moments with Seungmin were just so cherished to Hyunjin, the rare calls back home were his favourite. Between trainings and eating and his brain filled with thoughts of the dark-haired smiley boy, he squeezes in pockets time to pick up his phone and dial.

 

His mother almost always picks up instantly. “How are you doing, Hyunjin?” She always says into the phone, and Hyunjin checks his surroundings for anyone before smiling into the phone, sighing in the universal teenager language of _I miss you so, so much_.

 

He’s grateful that although the time zone between London and Japan is too big to be ignored, his parents always pick up. “Isn’t it two in the morning there?” He asks, and he hears his dad laugh in the very dad-like way he associates with his father. “It doesn’t matter, son. How are you doing? Does your leg hurt?” Somehow, the topic of his injured leg always surfaces in their conversations. “It doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m doing really well, I met this boy from Korea.” He says, the words slipping out of his mouth before he registers them and covers his mouth with a hand.

 

“A boy, you say?” His mother says, and he can imagine the looks exchanged between his two parents. “It’s not like that, mom. Seungmin and I met less than two months ago.” He says hastily. “So his name is Seungmin? What’s his surname? Does it match well with yours?” His mother says gleefully, and he rolls his eyes.

 

“Kim. And before you say anything else, I’m not gay. I’m straight.” He says, but he’s not so sure anymore.

 

“Hyunjin, your mother and I have nothing against that. Of course, we’d prefer you to marry a nice girl of your preference and settle down with a family here—but we won’t stop you from finding your happiness.” His father says, and Hyunjin takes a shaky breath before replying, “Thank you.”

 

“It’s all you, Hyunjin. Thank yourself when you’ve decided you’ve found the right one.” His mother says.

 

“And if I don’t?” He asks.

 

“Then thank yourself anyway, because you’re enough for yourself. Of course, we’ll ask you to move out of the house anyway because we need our own old people time,” His father says, and Hyunjin smiles faintly, almost feeling like crying. _I really miss you_ , he thinks but needs to save his rep so he doesn’t.

 

“Have the other athletes been nice to you? Have you made any friends?” His mother asks. “Other than that Seungmin, of course.” His father says, and his parents chuckle. The first person that comes to mind isn’t Seungmin, but Changbin.

 

Changbin, who comes off as unfriendly and cold but whose smiles could brighten up a whole tiring training session, who was so caring and gentle towards him but preferred to show it through actions instead of empty words—who was so smitten with Felix but doesn’t realise it.

 

Felix, who was so similar to Jisung back home. Cheerful, energetic and maybe a bit too loud, who trusts Hyunjin enough to whine to him about how Changbin shook off his hugs.

 

And then Seungmin. Who tolerates his excessive love for skinship and initiates hugs and let Hyunjin hold his hand, who didn’t let him go even when he shouted at Seungmin during training and instead stuck even closer.

 

He shrugs even though his parents wouldn’t even see it. “I guess I have.” He says.

 

“Do you wish you’d never gone back to Judo?” His father asks softly. A few months ago, he would’ve evaded the question or maybe given a false response. Now, he decides, he won’t. “No, I don’t.” He replies, and he thinks that for once, he isn’t lying. A few months ago, he hadn’t believed or trusted himself to get back on his feet again, and even less win anything.

 

But with the goal so close in his sight, it was impossible to think of anything other than winning. Maybe it was a Seungmin effect, he decides.

 

When he calls Jisung, he says, “I think Seungmin isn’t human.” Jisung pauses, and says, “Seungmin? As in, the one you’re crushing on that Seungmin?”

 

“First, I’m not crushing on him. And secondly, it’s just that he’s so nice and gentle but also so funny and he deals with my bullshit so well and just so sunshiney.” He says in one breath, and he can hear Jisung muffling a laugh. “Don’t laugh at me, asshole.” He scowls.“What, are you going to become the next Shakespeare? Just to wax poetry about your loved one?” Jisung says.

 

“It’s like he’s the sun and I’m just a human and I get sunburnt.” Hyunjin says, completely ignoring Jisung. This time, his best friend doesn’t bother hiding his laughter anymore and starts laughing unabashedly.

 

“It’s impossible to be with him after this competition, you know. We might cut ties completely when he goes home to Korea and me to Japan. Maybe it’s just better if I distance myself from him?” Hyunjin says sadly. Jisung stops laughing. “Don’t be stupid. You’re a millennial, and Skype exists. Are you being dumb or an idiot?”

 

“I love having supportive friends,” Hyunjin says and quickly presses the end call button before Jisung starts going into his hour-long lecture (that he probably learnt from Minho). He sighs and lays down on his bed. Anyway, it isn’t as if he could actively ignore Seungmin. Half the time they spent with each other was spent pinning the other down on the floor or throwing each other messily.

 

He sighs again, looking at the digital clock on the wall reading one A.M and puts his phone on the desk, clicking off the light and closing his eyes.

 

 

 

Fifteen minutes later, he realises he isn’t able to sleep. It’s not so much of the rain droplets splattering against the window pane or the foreign feeling of the too-soft bed under his back, but rather, the thoughts running through his head. He couldn’t exactly pick one thought out and say _hey you do you have a problem?_

 

So, under the dim lighting of the corridors, he pushes his room door open and runs barefooted down to room 5087 and knocks on the door of the boy who’d he’d been agonising over. “Seungmin!” He calls. No one answers the door, and he knocks harder on the door. “Kim Seungmin!” He shouts. A door clicks open, but it isn’t Seungmin’s door. Hyunjin turns to face that door, and an irritated Changbin pokes his head out, hair messy and eyes still closed. “Can you shut up?” He says.

 

Then Changbin seems to open his eyes and sees Hyunjin standing in front of Seungmin’s door. “Oh, it’s you.” He mutters, and closes the door again.

 

Turning back to 5087, he bangs harder on Seungmin’s door. “Seungminnie!” He yells, and rests his forehead on the door. “It’s Hyunjin!” The door opens inward, and Hyunjin, taken aback, stumbles forward and would have falls flat on his face if not for the hand pulling him up by the back of shirt.

 

“Can you be more careful?” Seungmin says, dragging him upright and further into the room. “Also, can you not wake me up at ass-o-clock in the morning?” He says.

 

“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep.” Hyunjin says sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. Seungmin’s eyes soften, and he pats the spot next to him on his bed. “Competition nerves? Understandable, it’s so close to the competition already.” He says, and Hyunjin nods although that’s not why he came—it’s not as if he can tell Seungmin he couldn’t sleep because he was thinking of him.

 

“Do you want to talk it out?” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin can’t believe how blessed he is to meet such an angel. “No, it’ll be okay. I just couldn’t sleep alone.” He replies. Seungmin nods, and pulls Hyunjin down next to him. “Do you want to sleep together?” He says, then flushes and quickly corrects himself. “As in, not sleep together _together_ but just sleep together.” 

“I know I’m irresistible,” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin punches him on the shoulder, frowning. “But sure, okay.” He says, settling down next to the other boy. Seungmin wraps his arms around Hyunjin, and Hyunjin sighs contentedly as he pulls the cover over the both of them, and traps Seungmin’s ankle between both his legs. He nudges his head into the dip between Seungmin’s collarbones and neck, and the other boy doesn’t protest.

“You smell nice,” Seungmin mumbles into his hair. “Do I? Really?” He says, smiling faintly, feeling weirdly warm and fuzzy inside. “Yeah. Like water and detergent and forests and saltwater and all that shit.” Seungmin says.

“That’s just my aftershave.” Hyunjin laughs. “Okay, well, it smells nice.” Seungmin huffs. Turning around to face Seungmin, he says, “And you just smell like perspiration.” Seungmin frowns and releases one of his hands to hit Hyunjin on the head. “Don’t be rude.” He says, and Hyunjin can _feel_ his warm breath on his forehead, and his heart rate increases just a little. He hopes Seungmin can’t feel it.

He feels Seungmin shift a little, and he opens his eyes to see Seungmin’s face right in front of his, so close so much that if he even moved a millimetre their noses would be touching. “I’m not being rude,” He breathes, and he sees the corner of Seungmin’s mouth twitch upwards. “Don’t worry. You smell a bit like perspiration too.” He retorts, and Hyunjin feels Seungmin’s arm around his waist tighten slightly, and he fights back the urge blush rising on his cheeks.

Seungmin closes his eyes again, and Hyunjin watches silently as his breaths even out. Seungmin has really nice eyelashes, Hyunjin realises. They’re black and thick and long and they frame his eyes really well. He also has a really cute nose, not too big or too small and just right. The baby fat on his chin and cheeks didn’t do anything to make him less breathtaking—if anything, Hyunjin found it adorable and relatable and completely perfect in that _Seungmin_ way.

 Honestly, if Hyunjin were to turn not-straight (which wouldn’t happen), it’d be for Seungmin. He moves his arm from between both of them to cradle Seungmin’s head and bring it into his chest, the softness of his hair brushing against the inside of his wrist.

Hyunjin falls asleep like that, watching Seungmin breathe in and out and his eyelashes flutter every minute or so. It’s not a bad thing, Hyunjin thinks before his eyes shut and he falls asleep.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--5 days_

The day draws closer, and it’s obvious by the ways the tension in the gym increases. The athletes side-eye whoever so much as brushes into them, the coach screams at them even more, and Seungmin doesn’t miss the way some of the athletes come into training dazed and unable to walk in a straight line, eyes unfocused and when he moves closer to them, he can smell the distinct scent of marijuana or heroine on their skin.

Steroids aren’t uncommon either, and everytime a trainee walks into training after a shot, Changbin always sighs and shakes his head. “That’s not the way to go,” He’d say, and stare pointedly at Seungmin and Felix.

Of course, Hyunjin was on edge too. Seungmin caught Hyunjin pacing in his room and muttering to himself one day, and entered the room, catching his wrist and sitting him down. Hyunjin, to his credit, didn’t lash out at him, but instead he collapsed against Seungmin, boneless and hands shaking. Seungmin knew how much pressure Hyunjin had on him—it was his first big competition since he’d come back from his injury, and it was expected that he was anxious, nervous, scared and afraid of disappointments.

Seungmin himself wasn’t much better, but he’d learnt how to control his feelings. He released it in the form of Judo and now, spending time with Hyunjin. When he was with the other boy, he found himself relaxing, laughing and uncontrollably happy.

Felix and Changbin weren’t blind to Seungmin and Hyunjin, but unfortunately, they weren’t kind enough to not bring it up. One day, Felix decides to approach Seungmin about it directly. He comes out from behind Seungmin, screaming _BOO_ and smacking Seungmin’s shoulders with both his hand. Seungmin, taken by surprise, screams and drops his phone onto the floor.

Luckily, the floor is carpeted so there isn’t much damage to his phone. That can’t be said for Seungmin, though. He flops to the floor, hand over his heart but still managing to glare at Felix. “You bastard. You know I get scared easily.” He scowls, kicking Felix’s shin and dragging him down to the floor with him. 

“How’s things with Hyunjin?” Felix asks, not bothering to get up. “What things?” Seungmin replies.

“You know…things,” Felix says suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

“There’s nothing between us. I just really appreciate him.” Seungmin says.

“Are you sure? Both of you seem quite close.” Felix says.

“We’re just friends,” Seungmin frowns at his implications, not wanting to overthink it.

“Just friends don’t hold hands and hug and cuddle all the time,” Felix pauses thoughtfully, “At least, they don’t do it while looking at each other so adoringly.”

“We hug all the time.” Seungmin says doubtfully. “Yeah, but I don’t like you. I like Changbin.” Felix say. Seungmin rolls his eyes. Trust Felix to be so straightforward and open with his feelings.

“Are you saying I like Hyunjin?” Seungmin says, punching Felix’s stomach and the latter doubles over in pain. “Yes, but don’t punch me in the stomach, you asshole.” Felix cries out in pain. 

“You deserve it.” Seungmin says, digging his fingers into Felix’s sides. Felix reciprocates this time, digging his elbow into the flesh of Seungmin’s thigh and Seungmin screams at him, repeatedly jabbing his elbow into Felix’s ribs. 

And that’s how Changbin and Hyunjin and Chan find them on the floor of the hotel corridor, screaming loud enough to wake the entire hotel’s residents. Felix stops immediately the moment Changbin clears his throat, and sits up. “He started it.” Seungmin says before Felix can throw the blame on him.

“No! He punched me in the stomach,” Felix says indignantly, and Seungmin glowers at him. “You accused me of weird things!” He says, standing up and brushing the lint off his shirt. “It’s true!” Felix says, and they would’ve started fighting again if not for Chan stepping between them.

Seungmin hears Hyunjin’s laughter while Chan is scolding them for ‘unruly behaviour’, and he decides so long as he could hear Hyunjin’s laugh, he could endure a thousand of Chan’s lectures.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--4 days_

Hyunjin finds himself thinking about Seungmin on the walk back to the hotel. The boy in question had ran ahead of them to the hotel first, claiming that ‘he needed to stream his bias group’s comeback’. And instead of laughing at the ridiculousness of his statement, Hyunjin finds it adorable how dedicated he is to them, and he feels weirdly happy at the fact that him and Seungmin have this much in common.

 

There’s a weird feeling in his stomach, and Hyunjin wonders if he’s having diarrhoea. “If my stomach is feeling weird, am I sick?” He wonders out loud. “Maybe you’re on your period,” Felix giggles immaturely, and Hyunjin glares at Felix. 

 

“Just kidding.” Felix says, when Hyunjin takes a step towards him threateningly.

 

“Can you not be so familiar?” He says snidely. “We just met less than two months ago.”

 

“And so? Two months is a long time.” Felix replies. “Besides, you’re so mushy and cuddly with Seungmin, and you met him at the same time as you met me. Whenever I see my best friend, you’re always with him!”

 

“But he’s Seungmin and you’re annoying,” Hyunjin says. “That’s notwhat Changbin thinks,” Felix pouts, looking at the dark-haired boy walking next to them silently.

 

“Actually, that’s exactly what Changbin thinks.” Changbin interjects, and Hyunjin laughs at Felix’s overdramatic expression. “I am mortally wounded!” He gasps, staggering and clutching his chest, but doesn’t let go of Changbin’s hand.

 

“Maybe you’re just hungry,” Changbin suggests, and Hyunjin nods thoughtfully. “Maybe.”

 

“But we just ate!” Felix says, patting his stomach. “But he’s always hungry,” Changbin says. Hyunjin agrees.

 

Felix thinks for a while. Then, “I can make you a sandwich!” He says excitedly. “What kind?” Hyunjin asks. He won’t accept it if it’s tuna or tomato.

 

Felix lets go of Changbin’s hands and raises both his hands up to grab Hyunjin’s face, squishing his cheeks. “An idiot sandwich!” He giggles, and Changbin full-out bursts into hysterics, actually stopping in his tracks to laugh. Felix lets go of Hyunjin’s cheeks after pinching them a bit too hard to be friendly, and he smiles proudly.

 

“Funny,” Hyunjin deadpans, rubbing his sore cheeks. Changbin is still laughing, shoulders shaking, and Hyunjin stares at the never-seen-before sight. “Real funny.” Felix agrees, staring fondly at Changbin.

 

Hyunjin sighs, and walks off, shaking his head and muttering about gross couples and oblivious boyfriends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is posted in mourning of idol producer. 6-7-18, a terrible terrible day for all fans around the world when the oNE AND ONLY QIAN ZHENGHAO DID NOT MAKE IT INTO TOP 9 AND HES 11TH PLACE I DIDNT FKING ASK FOR THIS?? WHY DOES THIS FEEL LIKE PRODUCE 101 SEASON 2 AGAIN I FEEL SO EMPTY AND BROKEN INSIDE I CANT ACCEPT THAT HES NOT IN TOP 9
> 
> AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, MY OTHER TWO BIASES LINCHAOZE AND LIXIKAN DIDNT MAKE IT INTO TOP 9??? XIKAN WAS 13TH AND CHAOZE WAS. 19TH how how HOWHOW HOW HOW EVEN I PRAYED SO HARD AND WISHED AND PRAYED AND VOTED FOR MY BABIES (esp zhenghao my one true love) WHAT THE HELL I AM SO ANGRY??? i have Problems with the final 9 lineup...but i wont say it lol cos its kinda offensive and if i say it anyway i'll just start crying again...hAHHAHHAHA (laughs and cries and rocks back and forth totally sanely)
> 
> xoxo hyungsobbing(over idol producer)


	5. it's all up in my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and as the saying goes, all's well ends well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one fine afternoon, i decided: ive been putting this off way too long 
> 
> so i wrote the entire ending of this chapter at kfc HAHAH anw hope yall like it!! >.< ps i love seungjin but i love their song mirror even more like WOW WHAT A LEGEND SONG

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--1 day_

Hyunjin stands in Heathrow airport, shifting from feet to feet and holding up a sign with **HWANG HYUNJIN’S FAMILY** written in bold black lettering. Seungmin is standing beside him, holding up a similar sign, courtesy of the Olympics organising committee. “I can’t wait to see my parents again,” Seungmin says, almost vibrating from excitement. Hyunjin nods in agreement.

The gates open and passengers spill out of them. This is one of the times that Hyunjin is endlessly grateful for being tall, because he doesn’t have to tip-toe or jump to see the familiar faces of his loved ones. “Mum! Dad!” He yells over the cacophony of the airport, and his parents turn to see him, smiling. He drops the sign and runs, meeting his parents in the middle. His parents hug him, and he realises gleefully that he’s now become taller than both of them. “We missed you,” His mother says, and he nods, face pressed against the comforting scent of his father’s wool jacket. 

Suddenly, there’s a pain in the back of his head and he lets go of his parents, spinning around. “Hwang Hyunjin!” Someone yells, and there’s a blur of black hair speeding at him and he stumbles backwards as the person hugs him forcefully. “Han Jisung?” He says, voice muffled by a mouthful of hair. “You asshole! You didn’t even see me!” Jisung says, punching his shoulder. Hyunjin winces in pain. “You’re so weak, Hyunjin.” Someone else says, and he blinks in surprise when he sees Minho-hyung, with Jeongin standing by his side. 

“Minho!” He says, shocked. “And me,” Jeongin says, grinning. Jisung releases him and he approaches the both of them. “You came!” He says, hugging Minho first. “Of course. Those loaded Olympics people and their sponsors offered free plane tickets and accommodations to spectate you. Who would refuse?” Minho says, patting his back. “So you’re just here for the free stuff and not for me?” Hyunjin pouts. “Of course not, brat. We love you.” Minho says fondly.

“Don’t forget about me, hyung!” Jeongin says, and he scoops Jeongin off the ground and spins him around. The younger boy giggles as Hyunjin sets him down, and Hyunjin says, “You’ve put on weight! And grown taller.”

“It’s muscle mass, hyung.” Jeongin says, and Hyunjin realises in alarm that the top of Jeongin’s head already comes up to his shoulder. “Where’d you learn to be so cheeky, huh?” Hyunjin teases, and he smiles fondly at the younger boy.

“So what’s this I hear about Seungmin?” Minho says, dragging the suitcase behind him as all of them follow Hyunjin into the carpark, with a van waiting for them. “A friend.” Hyunjin says briefly, and prays for Jisung not to stick his fat nose into it. No such luck, because Jisung butts in and says, “Hyunjin’s very much in love with him! By the way, when can we meet him?”

As if on cue, the van doors open to reveal one very smiley Seungmin and his parents piled in the van. “Hello!” He says, getting out of the car to greet Hyunjin’s family and friends. “I’m Seungmin!” He says, bowing and greeting them. “So you’re the Seungmin.” Jisung says, and Hyunjin glares at Jisung to make him shut up. “Yes! I hope Hyunjin hasn’t been badmouthing me.” Seungmin says, helping them load the luggages into the backseat.

“Far from that, actually.” His father says and Hyunjin is _appalled_ at this betrayal. “Dad!” He whines, and his parents laugh. “And who might you be?” Seungmin says, smiling at Jeongin. “I’m Jeongin! I’m fourteen this year.” Jeongin says, smiling (almost) equally brightly back at Seungmin. Seungmin offers a hand to pull Jeongin into the car, and Hyunjin climbs into the back and shuts the door.

He settles into the seat beside Jeongin at the very back, and the younger rests his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder. “He’s so nice, hyung.” Jeongin says, yawning. “He is, isn’t he?” Hyunjin says. “If you’re tired, then go to sleep.” 

“I am. Thanks, hyung.” Jeongin replies sleepily, and Hyunjin pulls him closer to his body and drags the window blinds down. He turns to the front, ready to talk to Jisung and Minho and his parents to catch them up, but he finds Seungmin’s parents and Seungmin chatting happily with them. When he tries to enter the conversation, Jisung shuts him down so fast he blinks, taken aback. “The adults are talking.” He says, turning back to face Seungmin’s mother.

Hyunjin pouts. _Is he eighth-wheeling them? Is he being an extra when Seungmin has just met the people he’s known nearly his entire life?_ he thinks, and rests his head on the seat rest. Seungmin turns around to smile at him, and Hyunjin smiles back instinctively. Maybe it isn’t so bad after all.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--23 hours_

As much as he loved his parents, it drains all of Seungmin’s energy entertaining them, bringing them around the entire Olympic compound and listening to their gossip from back home. The presence of Hyunjin’s friends and family didn’t help much either—they got along so well that their parents started exchanging baby pictures.

Hyunjin and Seungmin exchanged embarrassed looks, and Seungmin shrugs slightly and Hyunjin shrugs back, and they smile at each other in mutual understanding. 

But what was the most horrifying was that Felix, a total demon hidden inside a pretty boy’s body, got along almost terrifyingly well with Jisung. So much so that Changbin had started to glare at Jisung while the two younger boys giggled about god-knows-what in the corner. “Jealous, hyung?” Seungmin had whispered into Changbin’s ear. To his credit, the older man didn’t flinch, only turning around to glower at Seungmin.

“Not at all.” He replies shortly, but continues glaring at Jisung and Felix. “Oh, really?” Seungmin says, and he feels a warm presence by his side, and Hyunjin says, “Are you sure?” Seungmin absentmindedly links his fingers with Hyunjin’s, before realising that it was a potentially bad move when Jisung and Felix started giggling louder behind them.

“It’s just that he’s gotten so close to Jisung in like what—three hours? It took him three months to warm up to me,” Changbin says. Seungmin huffs exasperatedly. “That’s because you ignored his greetings for the first two and a half months because you thought he was too friendly or something.”

Hyunjin laughs out loud, and Seungmin squeezes his hand tightly as if to say _that’s right Changbin-hyung is a big joke._ Changbin frowns sullenly, unable to come up with a proper response because he knew it was true. “Besides, Jisung is over-friendly to people he just met anyway.” Minho says, and Seungmin jumps a bit. Since when had the older boy been there?

Hyunjin nods. “He really is—besides, Jisung is taken so there’s no need to worry about him.” _He is?_ Seungmin wonders. He’s about to ask by whom, when Hyunjin squeezes his fingers back, and Seungmin looks at Hyunjin who mouths _later._ Seungmin nods.

“Do both of you have a telepathic connection or something?” Jeongin, the youngest amongst them and Hyunjin’s favourite kid (according to him) asks. “They pretty much do. It’s a bit weird how they met only two months ago and they’re already so close,” Changbin sniffs.

“Jealous, hyung?” Seungmin snickers, and Changbin gives him the death-glare and he immediately shuts up. Hyunjin, however, is pretty much immune to Changbin’s glares so he says, “Yeah, I guess we do.” Seungmin smiles at Hyunjin, and Hyunjin smiles back, the corners of his eyes turning down. 

There’s a click and a flash behind him, and he turns his head to see his mother holding up a camera. “You two just looked so cute together, smiling and holding hands!” She coos, flipping through the pictures. “Mom,” He groans, pouting. “What, honey? It is true.” His mother says with a smile, and she and Hyunjin’s mother turn to each other with knowing looks. 

“Sorry about my mom,” Seungmin says to Hyunjin. “No worries, my mom’s like that too.” Hyunjin says.

And the worst thing about their family coming over were the pictures. Goddamnit, the pictures.

 

Seungmin sighs and slumps down in his seat. What the hell? Old pictures weren’t supposed to be cute—they were supposed to be embarrassing, ugly and unglamorous.

 

And as he looks through the photos of kid Hyunjin, to his horror, he realises how cute he found Hyunjin. Damn him and his good genes and his charming personality and his amazing entire being, Seungmin thinks, and that’s when he realises he’s already fallen for Hyunjin.So Hyunjin’s mother starts telling him adorable stories of kid Hyunjin, Seungmin decides, screw being straight. He was so damn gay for Hyunjin.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--18 hours_

Hyunjin pushes open the hotel room door without hesitating, and he barges into the room—and screams. “Get that out of my life!” He shrieks, covering his eyes with both hands and points at the couple making on the bed. “You’re in my room, stop cockblocking me.” Jisung says pissily, but they separate (albeit reluctantly).

 

“What do you want?” Minho says, and Hyunjin ignores the grumpiness in his voice. “Jisung needs to get out.” Hyunjin says, sitting on the side of Minho’s bed that wasn’t contaminated by Jisung. “I’m your best friend!” Jisung objects.

 

“Which is exactly why I can’t tell you before I sort it out myself. You’d tease me for life.” Hyunjin says. “But what makes you think Minho won’t hold whatever you’re struggling with over you?” Jisung says, pouring.

 

Minho sighs. “Jisung, just get out.” He says, and shoves Jisung off the bed. “We’ll continue later!” Jisung yells as he slams the door behind him, and Hyunjin wrinkles his nose in disgust. “I don’t need to know about your sex life,” he says.

 

“What do you want?” Minho says, and Hyunjin groans out loud, flopping back into his bed. “I’m not gay, right?” He asks the ceiling. The ceiling doesn’t reply, but Minho does. “Where’s this coming from?” The elder asks, brushing Hyunjin’s fringe back from his forehead. “And you need to cut your hair.” He adds.

 

Ignoring the second part, Hyunjin says, “If I’m not gay, why do I like Seungmin so much?”

 

A soft thud comes from the corner of the room and Hyunjin jumps up to investigate but Minho pulls him back down. “You mean you two aren’t together already?”

 

Hyunjin turns to face Minho so fast his neck cracks. “What?”

 

“Nothing, it just seemed like you two were already exclusive by the way you act towards each other.” Minho says.

 

“How do we act towards each other?” Hyunjin asks, genuinely confused. “Touching each other all the time, whispering to each other, hand holding and going out together and all that—but mostly touching. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two together without at least holding hands. It’s like you can’t keep your hands off each other but in the non-sexual way.” Minho says.

 

“So I’m gay?” Hyunjin asks, and Minho sighs again. “The things I do for you.” He says and Hyunjin blinks in confusion before Minho stands up and kneels in front of him. “Hey, that’s my personal space!” He objects, and Minho ignores him, instead choosing to cup Hyunjin’s face with both his hands.

 

And then Minho’s lips are on Hyunjin’s, and his lips are oddly smooth. Minho tilts his head to the side, and Hyunjin is too shocked to react. Minho, who is a boy and very much gay, is currently kissing him.

 

After a few seconds, Minho pulls away, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “How was it?” He asks.

 

“Did you just fucking kiss me?” Hyunjin almost yells incredulously, and he presses the tips of his fingers to his lips gingerly. Minho huffs exasperatedly, getting up from his position on the floor and sitting next to Hyunjin.

 

“How was it?” He presses, and Hyunjin pinches himself to make sure he’s not dreaming. “You just kissed me!” He accuses, pointing at Minho.

 

“But did you like it?” There’s the sound of clothes falling from their hangers and Jisung steps out of the closet and walks towards the bed. Hyunjin looks from Jisung to Minho, and back to Jisung again. Minho doesn’t look the least bit surprised, instead getting up from the bed and going over to sit next to Jisung rather than Hyunjin.

 

“Your boyfriend just kissed me!” He says. “Not important. How was it?” Both of them say at the same time, and Hyunjin finds himself thinking of the kiss and the gentle press of Minho’s lips on his and the accompanying sensation of their noses bumping together and the warmth of Minho’s hand on his face.“It wasn’t unpleasant.” His lips are still tingling.

 

“But was it good? Did you like it? Do you feel like you’d want to do it again?” Jisung says, and Hyunjin swallows. “I guess so,” He says.

 

“Would you want to do it with Minho again? Or would you rather do it with Seungmin?” Jisung asks. “Seungmin.” Hyunjin replies immediately, then gasps when he’s processed what he’d just said.

 

“There you have it.” Minho says.

 

Hyunjin feels like his insides are melting, and he slides to the ground like a puddle of goo. Jisung and Minho leave the room as he hears the lock click shut, but he stays on the bed unmoving.

 

“I like Seungmin,” He says to himself.

 

“I _like_ Seungmin,” He repeats.

 

“I like _Seungmin_.” He says for the third time, and his breath whooshes out of him as he lies on the floor unmoving.

 

He likes Seungmin.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--14 hours_

If Hyunjin can do it, so can he, Seungmin says to himself as he nudges open the room door. Honestly, he had a lot to thank the organising committee for—mostly for placing Hyunjin and his rooms so close to each other. He knocks on room 5081, and waits.

It’s not even a minute before Hyunjin opens the room door. His eyes are wide open, and his hair is still neat and when Seungmin steps into the room, the bed is still well-made. “Couldn’t sleep?” He asks, and Hyunjin nods. “Me too,” He says, and he goes straight to Hyunjin’s bed and lies down. 

“So, you came over to sleep with me?” Hyunjin says openly. It’s that time of the night when no one bothers covering up their real intentions with flowery words, and for once, Seungmin is glad for the cover of the night. “Yes.” He replies simply, and Hyunjin blinks in shock. “Are you just going to stand there?” He asks, and Hyunjin snaps out of it, pushing Seungmin closer to the wall and pulling the blankets over himself once he’d laid down.

“Did you miss me that much?” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin nods, head against Hyunjin’s back as he throws a leg over Hyunjin’s body and wraps both arms around his midsection. “Me too,” Hyunjin says.

“So I’m the little spoon now?” Hyunjin mumbles. “It can’t always be me,” Seungmin mutters back, voice barely above a whisper. He feels Hyunjin shiver as his speaks into the nape of his neck, and he smiles a little, hugging Hyunjin tighter.

Then he remembers the question that’d been bugging him for the past few hours. “Jisung is taken?” He asks. “Yeah. Do you know by who?” Hyunjin says.

“How would I know? Is he gay or something?” Seungmin says, and he thinks he already knows the answer to that. “Isn’t it obvious? He looks at Minho like the guy hung the damn stars and sun and moon and created Earth itself or something,” Hyunjin says. “Honestly, I was so tired of their constant PDA-ing back home I was partially relieved when I had to migrate to Japan.”

“I would never have noticed.” Seungmin laughs, and Hyunjin sighs and shifts closer to Seungmin. “Yes, because you’re so awfully dense.” He says. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Seungmin frowns, and Hyunjin shakes his head. “Never mind, just go to sleep. We have our bouts in less than twenty-four hours.” 

“Goodnight,” Seungmin whispers.

“Night,” Hyunjin replies, and they fall asleep like that, wrapped around each other, dreaming of the competition tomorrow.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--7 hours_

For once, he isn’t the one waking up after Hyunjin. He’s awake by the time the clock turns seven, and by seven thirty he’s kicking the pile of blankets on the bed. “What do you want?” Hyunjin grumbles, and Seungmin is very done with all his weird mushy feelings so he supresses his urge to coo and hug Hyunjin and instead kicks the blankets again. “Get up, we’re going for a run,” He says, walking towards the closet and rifling through his clothes. Seungmin frowns as he looks through Hyunjin’s clothes. _Why does he only seem to have black, black, black and oh look—black!_

“What time is it?” Hyunjin groans, still not willing to come out from under his blanket cave. “Seven thirty, but it’s going to be Beat Hyunjin Up o-clock if you don’t get up now.” Seungmin says, throwing a pair of black shirt and sweatpants onto the bed. “Since when was my Seungmin so violent?” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin legitimately freezes in his tracks.

_My Seungmin?_ He screams in his head. _MY Seungmin?_ He freaks out internally, but replies coolly, “Ever since I had to wake up earlier than you.” 

“Valid point,” Hyunjin says.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_\--7 hours_

_Oh God, why did I just call him my Seungmin?_ Hyunjin freaks out in his head, and his eyes are wide open in absolute panic. Luckily, he’s still under his blankets and Seungmin can’t see him regret absolutely almost all of his life choices. There’s a momentary silence and Seungmin replies, but Hyunjin doesn’t hear it over his internal panic. “Valid point,” He says shakily, and hopes he didn’t say something completely random and out of context.

There’s a slamming of the bathroom door, and he takes the opportunity to sit up, throwing the blankets to one side. There’s a pair of black shirts and sweatpants on the bed, and Hyunjin doesn’t hesitate to wear it with the slightly smug knowledge that Seungmin picked it out for him.

_It’s alright. He didn’t notice you calling him ‘yours’. If you act normal, nothing will happen._ He thinks, and by the time Seungmin emerges from the toilet, he’s convinced himself that he didn’t just ruin his chances with Seungmin. “Brush your teeth, I could smell your breath from the toilet.” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin smiles fondly and hugs him on the way to the toilet. “And brush your hair,” Seungmin says, wrinkling his nose as he smooths down the stray hairs on the back of Hyunjin’s head.

At seven forty-five, both of them head out. “We’re matching!” Hyunjin exclaims, and they really are. Seungmin had probably been lazy to go back to his own room to get his own clothes and just borrowed Hyunjin’s instead. While Hyunjin was slightly disappointed his clothes fit perfectly on Seungmin and weren’t too big (that would’ve been adorable), he’s maybe a little too excited to see his clothes on Seungmin’s.

“You only have black clothes,” Seungmin deadpans, but returns Hyunjin’s high-five anyway. 

They jog around the perimeter of the Olympic compound twice, and Hyunjin’s a little out of breath by the time they’ve finished about five miles. He looks over at Seungmin to see the other boy’s face flushed, and he’s perspiring in the freezing London temperature. “Don’t…judge…my…stamina,” Seungmin wheezes, bent over with his hands on his knees. Hyunjin laughs but doesn’t say anything.

“Can we go now?” Hyunjin says after a good three minutes of waiting.

“Wait a moment.” Seungmin says, and promptly collapses on the floor after realising that he couldn’t hold himself upright. Hyunjin raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything, instead opting to sit down next to him. “Actually, give me the next century to recover.” He says, lying on the gravel.

“I’d give you a millennium,” Hyunjin says with newfound courage. “Huh?” Seungmin hums absentmindedly, too busy with catching his breath to listen. _Never mind,_ Hyunjin thinks as the courage drains out of him in a split second and stands up, brushing the dust of his jacket. “Let’s go,” He says, tugging at Seungmin’s hand. With tremendous effort, Seungmin pushes himself off the ground.

Seungmin groans when Hyunjin breaks into a jog, and Hyunjin resists the urge to giggle stupidly at the other’s cuteness. “Just a bit more until we reach the hotel, okay? This might be our last run together.” He says, turning the corner.

He’d said it so casually, but Seungmin doesn’t take it that way. Seungmin speeds up to catch up with Hyunjin, and asks, “Will it?” 

“Will it what?” Hyunjin replies, but he already knows what Seungmin is hinting at. “Will it be our last time,” Hyunjin waits, breath shallow from running and anticipation as the other boy searches for an appropriate word. “Will this be our be our last time running together?” He finishes, and Hyunjin finds himself feeling a little disappointed.

Hyunjin thinks for a while. _Will it?_ He wonders, and decides that he doesn’t want it to be. “I hope not,” He says. Seungmin breaks out into a full smile, and Hyunjin feels winded for a moment—and definitely not because he’s been running for the past hour. “Me too.” Seungmin says as they reach the final junction before the hotel.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--1 hour_

“Dear Lord, please can you stop fidgeting? You keep knocking into me and you’re ruining my game,” Felix complains, eyes fixed on his phone screen. Changbin sits a little off to the side, muttering to himself and twisting his fingers nervously. “Aren’t you nervous?” Seungmin asks. Felix doesn’t reply, too focused on killing the enemy on his game. Seungmin puts his hand over the phone and as much as Felix tries to shove his hand out of the way, he dies by the time he gets full control of his phone back.

Felix pulls his phone away and shoves it into his bag, scowling at Seungmin. He’s about to start assaulting Seungmin when Seungmin holds up a hand, saying, “Our competition is in four hours, are you sure you want to injure me?” He grins, knowing he had the upper hand. Felix groans in frustration and instead kicks the bed frame, hard.

“Stop playing around.” Changbin says, shifting closer to both of them. “Are you excited for your matches?” 

“Yes!” Felix says, grinning at Changbin. “No,” Seungmin mumbles, and Felix and Changbin turn to glare at him. “You better be ready anyway, because you’re the first up.” Changbin says, glancing at the new bout list on his phone.

“What?” Seungmin screeches, snatching the phone from Changbin. “Good luck, mate.” Felix says, and Seungmin collapses back onto the benches. He stares up at the high ceiling, and breathes in deeply. He has to fight and win at least four matches, according to the bout list, in order to get into finals. _No biggie,_ he thinks. _I’ve won more than that._ He breathes out.

“I’m ready!” He says, sitting upright. 

“Good, because your first match is going to begin in thirty minutes.” 

_Seungmin, 2018_

_\--10 minutes_

He steps off the mat, bowing to his opponent. Water drips into his eyes, and he blinks, shaking his head, but he’s not very sure if it’s sweat or tears. Changbin is right behind him, slipping the Judo gi off his shoulders. Felix is patting his back, saying something about doing well but Seungmin isn’t listening and doesn’t care. _Yeah, you did real well,_ he thinks, eyes stinging. 

Shaking off Felix’s hands, he shrugs off their concern because he can’t bring himself to face them and their disappointment. Not right now.

_Hyunjin, Seungmin, 2018_

_0 hours_

“Where’s Seungmin?” That’s the first thing he asks when he steps off the mats. Chan blinks in surprise. “You just got second in the Olympics, and the first thing you say is where’s Seungmin?” 

Hyunjin shrugs, and tosses his Judo gi on the chair, taking off. “Seungmin lost semi-finals, by the way!” Chan yells. “I know! That’s why I’m going to find him!” Hyunjin shouts back.

“Hey, kid.” Someone says, stepping front of him, and Hyunjin is forced to stop suddenly, almost falling forward, but the person steadies him by the shoulders. “What?” He almost snaps, but stops himself just in time. “I’m kind of busy right now,” He says instead, as calmly as possible.

“I know. I just wanted to say good luck.” The person says, and Hyunjin snaps his head up. “What?” The person turns out to be the referee, with ombre blond hair, the one who’d been at the referee at both his and Seungmin’s matches. “I know how difficult it is, and I’m glad you’ve already gotten over it. Are you going to make your move now?” He asks, and Hyunjin is slightly taken aback by his straightforward-ness. “Sorry?” He asks.

The referee rolls up his pant leg, and Hyunjin startles when he sees a plastic prosthetic leg underneath. “Years ago, someone messed up this leg real bad. I thought it was the end of my judo career, and I struggled with it for a long time. Then I met the person again at another match, and he’d become a coach. It was really difficult for me to accept him, but I did, and now we’re meeting again, one as a referee and one as a coach.”

Hyunjin gapes at him. “Are you—are you talking about—” The guy shrugs. “That doesn’t matter right now. I just thought you might be going through the same as me, and I just wanted to offer a bit of advice. Don’t think about your past, because it’s all over now. Just do whatever you need,” The referee says, and Hyunjin is stunned, mouth opening and closing without a word.

The referee laughs, extending an arm and ruffling his hair. “Don’t think so much about it. Just go.” He says, pushing Hyunjin’s back lightly. “Thank you.” Hyunjin says softly. 

“Don’t mention it. Go find him,” He says, and he turns around and walks away. Hyunjin shakes his head, clearing his thoughts. He could deal with these revelations later, but now he needed Seungmin.

_Where’s Seungmin?_ Hyunjin thinks, and he’s running to every corner of the stadium, yelling out his name and disregarding the odd stares from the audience. “Seungmin!” He yells, and there’s no response, but there’s a flash of black hair behind the staircase, so Hyunjin runs towards there as fast as he can.

“Seungmin!” He calls and sees Seungmin snap his head up at the sound of his voice, and as much as the other boy tries to disguise his disappointment, Hyunjin can read his emotions clear as day. “What?” Seungmin says, almost snapping at Hyunjin as his feet draw him closer to Seungmin.

 

He can see the clear stay away signals in Seungmin’s eyes, but he opens his mouth to speak anyway. “You did really well,” Hyunjin says hesitantly, his hand brushing Seungmin’s and he winces when Seungmin steps away from him.

 

“Says who? I lost,” Seungmin is snapping at Hyunjin this time, and this part of Seungmin is completely foreign to Hyunjin. He’d always seen the boy as gentle and calm, but he wasn’t about to be scared away this side of Seungmin.

 

“Me. Me, Changbin, Felix, your parents and anyone who’s ever known you would know the amount of effort and training and tears into Judo. You did well, Seungmin.” Hyunjin says as gently as possible and the fight in Seungmin’s eyes die out, and his knees buckle inwards. Luckily, Hyunjin is there to catch him as Seungmin stumbles, wrapping his hands around Seungmin’s biceps. “I got you,” Hyunjin mumbles, pulling Seungmin back on his feet.

 

“I know.” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin doesn’t let go of his arm. “I always will.” Hyunjin says, hoping Seungmin understands what he’s trying to say because he sure as hell does not want to get rejected now.

 

And like always, Seungmin does understand. “I’ll always be there for you too,” Seungmin says, and they stare at each other, neither of them unwilling to break the moment. Hyunjin’s aware that if anyone turned the corner, they’d see both of them and it would be very awkward to explain. _So, what are you waiting for?_ His brain screams. _Just do it!_

 

Taking a shallow breath, Hyunjin breaks the tension first. “Don’t worry about not winning this year. There’s next year, and the ear after and the year after that. And,” Hyunjin licks his lips before pulling the medal over his head and placing it around Seungmin’s head, “Besides, we can share.”

 

Seungmin doesn’t reply for a moment, and Hyunjin worries that he’d gone too far. Then there’s a tell-tale glint in Seungmin’s eyes, and Hyunjin panics. “Don’t cry! I’m so sorry.” He says hurriedly, lifting his hand to brush the tear away from the corner of Seungmin’s eyes.

 

“Don’t be a fucking idiot!” Seungmin snaps, and Hyunjin is really panicking now. “I’m not crying because I didn’t win, it’s because you’re too damn sweet and nice and I don’t want to fall in love with you!” The words take some time for Hyunjin to register, and by the time he realises that it was a confession, Seungmin had taken a tiny step away and the distance between them seemed too far. So, he does what he’s been wanting to do for the past two months—

 

Hyunjin leans forward and their lips touch for a millisecond, and then pulling away quickly, worried that this wasn’t what Seungmin wanted at all. But Seungmin frowns at him and places his hands on Hyunjin’s waist pulling him closer and closer until their noses are touching and Seungmin is just a little below Hyunjin’s eye level. And then they’re kissing in the doorway of the stadium, the silver medal hanging loosely between their chests.

 

Seungmin smiles into the kiss, and Hyunjin smiles back, and their teeth knock into each other gently but it doesn’t matter because Hyunjin is so, so in love with Seungmin. “I like you a lot, Hwang Hyunjin.” Seungmin whispers as they separate, Seungmin’s hands still resting on his waist and Hyunjin’s arms twined around Seungmin’s neck.

 

Hyunjin can’t contain his blush, and he pulls Seungmin closer and rests his head on the boy’s shoulder, hiding his flushed cheeks. “Me too,” he says. “I think I’m almost in love with you.”

 

Seungmin cups his hands around Hyunjin’s face and makes Hyunjin face him. “Maybe go a little slower?” He says, and Hyunjin pouts at him, waiting for a kiss. But Seungmin only pinches his cheeks. “Besides, we still need to go for the closing ceremony.” Seungmin says before letting go of Hyunjin. “Don’t be like that,” Hyunjin groans, and follows after him.

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_+1 hour_

The opening ceremony goes exactly as expected, and Hyunjin sits on the seat reserved for the victors, legs crossed. In front of their row is the head of the London Olympics’ organisation team, and he’s delivering the closing speech. Hyunjin pays no attention to him, of course, and his eyes are fixed on the boy sitting in the row right in front of the speaker.

Seungmin looks right back at him, their gazes lock. The voice of the speaker is drowned out by the thudding in his chest, his heart beating almost painfully. The scene is almost the same as four years ago, when they were facing each other down, sweat dripping and hearts beating from exertion and the slightest hope that they might bring back a trophy. It’s the same now, both of their hearts filled with an unspeakable hope for the both of them, for a possible future together.

But it’s also different. They’re staring each other down again, but this time, Hyunjin’s gaze on Seungmin is not one of exhaustion, but filled with love and adoration. The corners of his mouth turn upwards and he’s smiling almost painfully and probably looking like an idiot, but it’s worth it because Seungmin smiles back at him.

_Seungmin, 2018_

_+2 hours_

“Hey,” Hyunjin says, when the closing ceremony is finished and the athletes are returning back to the hotel, chatting loudly about their sightseeing plans for the next week until they check out of the hotel. Seungmin bumps his shoulder against Hyunjin’s arm. “Hey yourself.” Seungmin replies, and if he wasn’t so in love, he’d cringe at themselves. “So, what happens next?” Hyunjin asks.

Seungmin grabs Hyunjin’s hand, pulling him in the opposite direction of the hotel. It’s not raining today, and they walk at the sides of the road, their shoulders touching and the corner of Hyunjin’s coat brushing against their interconnected hands. It’s not silent at all—the space between them is filled with inside jokes and laughter, Hyunjin recollecting the match and Seungmin chuckling at his commentary. “Where are we going?” Hyunjin asks, and Seungmin shushes him as they reach their destination.

It’s the park that Hyunjin had brought them to a month ago. By this time, the weather has warmed up a bit, and water is seeping through the cracks of the sheet of ice. The birds are slowly coming back to this spot, and the shards of eggshell that had formerly been there has been swept away, and replaced with sticks and twigs of bird nests. It’s way more beautiful than a month ago, and Seungmin smiles to himself, proud of his decision to bring them here.

“Here?” Hyunjin mumbles under his breath. “Yeah. You brought me here a month ago, and I think it’s really beautiful,” Seungmin says, heading towards the bench. _Like you,_ he thinks. “More beautiful than me?” Hyunjin says with a grin in his voice. Unable to control himself, Seungmin laughs out loud, sitting down on the bench. “You ruined the mood, you ass.”

“But am I better?” Hyunjin says. “Why would you compare yourself to a park?” Seungmin shoots back, not letting go of their hands. “Am I?” He presses.

“Yes, you’re the best.” Seungmin says honestly, and it’s totally worth it when Hyunjin breaks out into a million-watt smile, letting go of their hand to drape himself over Seungmin’s shoulders. “You are too,” Hyunjin says into Seungmin’s ear, his breath ghosting over his neck. 

“Just now, you asked what’s gonna happen next.” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin nods. “I don’t want this to be just a one-time thing.”

“Me neither,” Seungmin mumbles. “Will you come back to Korea?” 

Hyunjin sits up, and Seungmin worries for a moment, that Hyunjin would say that he’s going back to Japan.

“I will, and so is my family. My parent’s business in Japan is done, and we’re moving back to Korea.” Hyunjin says, face serious. Seungmin breathes out in relief, shoulders relaxing. “You can’t get rid of me so easily, Kim Seungmin.”

“Wouldn’t think of it,” Seungmin says, smiling. He shifts, leaning forward. “I’ll always be there.” Hyunjin whispers, and he leans forward. Their lips meet in the middle, and Seungmin’s lips are cold and frozen but so are Hyunjin’s. His hands grip Hyunjin’s shoulders lightly, and Hyunjin says, “Our first kiss was in the stadium, the second in the park, how about the third in my house?” He laughs teasingly, and Seungmin leans back a little to grin back at Hyunjin. 

“I wouldn’t mind,” He says, giggling at Hyunjin’s shocked face. “As you said, you’ll always be there, and so will I. We have lots of time for that.” Seungmin says, and wraps his arms fully around Hyunjin’s neck, pulling him close and burying his face into the warmth of his neck. 

_Hyunjin, 2018_

_+2 hours_

The winter wind blows around them, but Hyunjin isn’t cold. He’s come a long way from the person he was two years ago, but it doesn’t matter if he still doesn’t fully believe in himself. He has Seungmin now, who’s willing to be there and Hyunjin knows he can place his trust in him, knows they’ll be there for each other and he knows they will go forward together.

_A year later,_

“You monster!” Hyunjin screams in horror. “What have you done?” He cries out. “Don’t be so dramatic, it’s not that bad.” Seungmin chides, and runs his hand through Hyunjin’s hair a final time. “What do you _mean_ it’s not that bad? It looks like someone spilled an entire carton of paint over my head!” Hyunjin gasps out, staring at the bathroom mirror.

Seungmin turns the tap on, running his hands under the water and Hyunjin watches as the water turns a rainbow colour from the hair dye on his hands. “It’s so loud.” Hyunjin whimpers, touching his own hair gingerly.

“It looks good on you. I told you it’d look good on you!” Seungmin says, pulling the cloth off Hyunjin’s shoulders and pulling him upright. “You’re right. You even said I’d look good with any colour,” Hyunjin says cheekily, sneaking a kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek.

“You snake, your personality just did a complete change.” Seungmin ruffles Hyunjin’s rainbow hair. “But you did say that!” Hyunjin protests. “I did.” Seungmin says fondly, his arm dropping from Hyunjin’s head to around his shoulders. 

“So now you have to let me dye your hair ombre blond!” Hyunjin laughs, and Seungmin’s eyes widen in almost comical horror. “No!” He yells as Hyunjin digs around in the cupboard for the hair dye. “You have to let me!” Hyunjin shouts as Seungmin runs out of the bathroom, and Hyunjin runs after him, holding the hair dye in his hands. 

It’s perfect, and Hyunjin wouldn’t exchange this for anything in the world.

_fin._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some small things!! the timings below the perspective was the countdown to their Confession lmfao frking anticlimatic yaa i tried to compare the end n the start w their match 4 yrs ago and now and chan and woojin! k das it :DD 
> 
> so it's the end! YAY FINALLY oh gosh this has been my longest fic my entire life?? it's not rlly that long compared to other fics tbh (in my word doc it says its ard 25k? eh) but i'm rlly proud i managed to stick to this fic and not abandon it halfway, even if finishing it meant rushing parts of it, but i really enjoyed this ride and i hope yall did too!! thank you somuch for reading it until the end and still reading it although parts of it aren't that good, but i dECIDED I WILL IMPROVE my angst and writing in general. one day, i will sit my ass down and write a legit angst fic (ITS PROBABLY GOING TO BE LUCAS AND HAECHAN/DONGHYUCK FROM NCT JUSTSAYING LMAO) the ending is kinda...sappy...and cliche...and gross...BUT IM PROUD OF THIS AS A WHOLE AND I HOPE yall enjoyed it as much as i did!!
> 
> thank you for reading this note all the way until the end! i appreciate it and i appreciate all of you this fic would have been forever stuck at chapter 1 if not for ur rlly rlly nice comments!! ahhhhHHH THANK YOU (つ≧▽≦)つ⊂(・ヮ・⊂)

**Author's Note:**

> so there's kinda a reason why i chose placebo ya 
> 
> the placebo effect in the context of this song is when someone is given a 'solution' or 'treatment' and they're psyched into thinking that this will help them but actually it doesn't, but since they already think that it'll help them, the actual product doesn't matter since it's a mental state. they think that it'll help them so they're mentally prepared for it to work.
> 
> ok sorry my explaining skills are quite shitty so if it's not understandable just google it and since most of the articles are scientific just think of it as not...scientific... ('m not actually sure if it works this way but let's just take it as artistic license okay)
> 
> one of chan's part in placebo goes like "though the medicine i took when i got sick actually has no effect//it still comforts me in other ways makes me fly//" the parallel in this fic is hyunjin's initial thoughts to get RECOGNITION and fame but maybe in his subconscious that's not actually what he's thinking of but he doesn't know cos still quite mentally not ok, so he psychs himself and it (might? might not?) work out relatively okay for him cos 'it's all up in his mind' (hehe quote from placebo)


End file.
